my sanctuary

2006-10-08T22:41:00.000+08:00

having limited internet access has made me realise how dependent i am on it. my only true source of entertainment is in the hands of the internet. its amazing how the world wide web has interwoven into our lives and make itself indispensable. really.. tsk.

that aside, i must say this period is extremely gruelling for anyone who's taking his As out there, and especially for those who weren't accustomed to sitting still for 6 hours at least, studying, revising, practising.. we've been cursing the system, doubting our capacity, wishing for it to end since months ago. but what the hell, we're still stuck in this period. yes, although we're closer to the end, but it still doesn't eliminate the feeling of eternity while we survive through each day. the guilt we feel when our hands refuse to pick up our pens, the frustration of not being disciplined, the desire to be free.. never had i felt such a rollercoaster ride while going through an exam period. oh how the As destroy our lives..

even though the people around me continue to encourage me and tell me i can make it, being realistic to myself, i know i won't do well. who am i to kid? i got OEE for prelims. and don't forget, i'm not in a school with very high standards. but nonetheless, i will try. i'll still go through the whole torment just to get it over and done with. but don't mistake my words, i don't mean to be optimistic. i've just come to a point where there's nothing left to do other than to study. not study hard. but just study. with 30 days left in my hands, really, there's no point in cursing, doubting, wishing. just study. whether i'll get good grades? well, i know i won't get fantastic grades for sure, it's just a matter of how bad it'll be. but with this state of mind, i'm more than willing to leave this worry to next year february. so good luck to me, and to all of those who feel the same way.

and just to end with a happier note. my room is gorgeous! it's not entirely furnished yet, but i'll fill my room up eventually. i've already a list in mind of the things i need to get for my room. goodness, can't wait to shop after the As! alright, here's a picture of one side of my room. the studying area's still a little messy. so yeah.. i can't wait to have the girls over! goodness.. i really really really can't wait! :)))

2006-09-03T12:21:00.000+08:00

purple! green! yellow! my star lion!

:)

dead man sleeping.

2006-09-02T16:07:00.000+08:00

somebody tell me how to stay awake! ugh..

2006-09-01T01:57:00.000+08:00

i look at my friends around me, and all the different kinds of relationships they're in, and i'll wonder how much do they really love their partner, because who will ever know when they're actually in love? although i know we each have our own ways to measure the amount of love we have; some by the degree of jeaousy, some by the degree of self-sacrifice, some by the amount of time spent thinking and caring for them, but who really knows? when lovers decide that they no longer have the connection, and go their separate ways, what become of these measures..? nothing. we'll all end up with an erased piece of blank paper, ready for a new chapter to be written all over again. it breaks my heart when i see two lovers who used to share the same jokes, the same views, the same look in their eyes, vanish into thin air.. the hesitation, the uncertainty that are now found in their voices makes them all the more estranged. and the line that divides them, grayer than ever, as they never know when they'll border along being too possessive or caring once again. it's really heart-wrenching to see a love (although relationships at this age may be too over-stated to be described as love) built with so much effort and time to only end up broken into pieces of awkwardness and hi-and-byes. but i guess, there's no point wondering why and what and how and when, 'cos it will only make yourself depressed and also the people around you depressed. and i have to say this, A levels SERIOUSLY does NOT make anything better. positively, definitely, surely. damn it. i can feel the animosity for the As boiling inside me once again.. i better stop before the steam gets into my head. alright, just food for thought. ciao.

2006-08-27T14:21:00.000+08:00

isn't my dog cute? :D although she's getting old, and fat and hairy, she's still my favourite dog in the world! and it's not because she looks so much like me.. (i know i am a tad fat and hairy..) but yeah! put that picture up to test the blogging function in my phone. it's really convenient and FUN-tastic! ok. moving on..

i just have to say, sony ericsson is still the most trustworthy. it's kinda silly actually, how i ended up with sony ericsson again when my previous phone (which i really liked until the joystick pissed me off 'cos of wear and tear) was really good enough for me. but it's nothing wrong settling with the better option right! i love my phone now. much more than the LG Chocolate phone i had previously and changed for like 2 times. the functions sucked. it was super laggy and there were so many missing functions that i was so accustomed to! but i have to say, the design of Chocolate is simply orgasmic. when i first got it, i literally couldn't take my eyes off it. and do note that i've never used the word "orgasmic" before and this time i feel Chocolate really deserves to be described as that. it's so sleek, slim and light. but its shortcomings are just unbearable for me.

alright, random i know. but this phone issue has been on for the whole past week. and i'm glad i got it settled and that i'm really really really happy with my current sony ericsson. although it's a lil bulky, but hey, who can resist a 3.2 megapixel phone right? :)

my darling puffy!

2006-08-27T14:15:00.000+08:00

who looks like me. :D

2006-08-20T21:17:00.000+08:00

i've been blog surfing. something that i haven't been doing for a while. and after all the blogs i've read, i can say 3 out of 10 of them had entries that showed a hell lot of discontentment for school. seriously, almost all of us are suffering in this stupid institution. when is MOE ever going to abolish this rigid, suffocating, pointless junior college education. no matter how i view it, i just can't find any benefitting factor it provides us, other than a damn passport to go to the University. what the hell does A levels indicate? nothing. intelligence? more like perseverance. it doesn't represent anything. and the worst part is it doesn't even guide you in any way what course of study you wish to take in the future. almost 90 percent of the students in school are still lost souls with no direction in life, no purpose, no goal, so what the fuck are we doing in JC? there's no sufficient variety for us to choose from the start. just science or arts. give me a break. how boring can you get. i really don't know how those people do it. those who actually enjoy JC and think it's the best times of their lives. anyone who actually feels this way, please tell me how i can feel the same way. 'cos this claustrophobia is killing me. ugh.

alright. i don't know why i have so much angst all of a sudden. maybe 'cos i have a physics mock tomorrow which i haven't prepared for. maybe 'cos i know deep inside that i will definitely screw up my life even when i know it and have the power to do something about it. but what exactly can i do? work hard? ha. what's the use of working hard when you'll still be disappointed in the end? what's the point when you are still going to flung it all. i'm not cut out for this. i swear. my brain is rusty, and i refuse to get my engine started for this damn A levels. its bloody a waste of time and effort. fuck it. ugh. fuck.

2006-08-12T23:16:00.000+08:00

its hard to stay true to yourself. and especially for someone like me. being stepped on, teased, and taken advantage of, is not entirely the antagonist's fault, but my own. it's funny how people will take you for granted and mistaken your easy-going nature to be a weakness and a vulnerable point. i always thought being easy-going was a good way to dodge situations where there are too many opinions flying over your head. i always thought it was an easy way out. but i guess stronger individuals detect that as impressionable and obtuse. oh well, i was never much a quick-witted person. and still isn't. i am not wallowing in self-pity mind you. just analysing the kind of situation i brought upon myself. yupp! i definitely need to reflect upon that a bit more..

nonetheless, i am truly blessed with great friends. :) sarah's going to leave this tuesday and i wonder when's the next time i'm going to see her. hope i can see her at the end of the year. either in new york or singapore. both works for me!

2006-06-18T05:17:00.000+08:00

friday was yet another day for me to hang out with my favourite girls. :) this time we went to Haji Lane. a place where i've been dying to go for really long! so what's better than being able to go the place you wanna go, and go with your favourite girlfriends and walk around mindlessly? nothing! :) and dear karina, our tour guide, brought us around. and she really played the role, with her new $2 batik fan she bought there, she fanned herself while she guided the way. can you spot her fan below? :D and we on the other hand, look like some tourists. and in actual fact, we did feel like one! 'cos sabrina, sarah, tricia and i never knew this street you see in the picture below had ever existed. i really felt like i was in Bombay..

we went to a few shops, which all reminded me a little of NYC. 'cos its so boutique like. and there was one shop where they sell those rock chic stuff from America. so yeah, that totally bought me over to think that it resembles a lil of NYC. but anyhow, it was fun just walking around and spotting for shops that were open. ( most of them were close! and it was already 1pm! i wonder why.. ) and karina brought us to a bead shop there and boy do they sell nice stuffs! and of course being a sucker for pretty little things.. (especially beautiful stones like those that i bought :D) i spent 46 buckaroos there. :)

we all look a lil weird in that photo.. but what the heck, i love my friends. :)

HUGGIES! like the diapers! ;)

2006-06-13T23:31:00.000+08:00

recently i have met with a number of scary events. 3 to be more precise. and let me rank them for you..

one. just last saturday night, i was walking through this carpark near the hdb flats with my friends, and before that, we walked past the void deck where a funeral was being held. then we were waiting for a taxi at the side of the road, where the entrance to the carpark is, when we decided to take some photos. and being overly-spontaneous as usual, i spotted this really old-fashioned lamp hanging at the sign post with a white cloth hanging above it. and without much thinking, i bounced over to the sign post and held the lamp up and shouted to my friends "take me take me!". and when they saw me carrying that lamp, they said, "michelle, that lamp's for the funeral."

faints. i immediately let go of it and walked away. i had no clue it was for the funeral!! and it's actually to guide the spirit of the bereaved to the funeral. gosh. if spirits can log on to the internet and happen to read this, im really sorry. i didn't mean to offend or anything! =/

second. serr and i were walking when suddenly there was this medium-sized cockroach with SUPER LONG FEELERS perching itself on the wall, at a level higher than our heads. we both screamed and ran away.

third. there is a manifestation of creepy crawlers all over my house. even right now, there's this weird sounding creature hidden at some corner of my living room, making this hair-standing noise. (maybe its some lizards mating. yuck.) a week ago, my mum found THREE cockroaches in a long forgotten pot buried deep inside our cabinet of pots and pans. and in my bathroom, there's this dark red spider living at the corner of my shower. and i'm hesitating whether i should sweep it away. 'cos actually, this creature's pretty cute. i know, how queer of me to say that since i hate all these creepy crawlers. but this widow might come in handy! cos there is a handful of sandflies in my toilet sometimes and she can trap them in her web and eat them up! yay! and it's pretty interesting having her. 'cos just yesterday i found a smaller sized spider dead on the floor, which most probably is a male spider whom she killed after mating. but that's exactly the cause of my dilemma. on one hand, i wanna continue having her to kill the sandflies and watch her living habits; on the other hand, i don't want any of her babies to be crawling all over my bathroom!

and that's my list of scary events. and on top of these scary events, i have terrible sleeping hours, loads of studying to be done, a soon to be very big pimple on my face, homework, and 8 more days of crash course. damn.. it must be bad karma.

2006-06-10T14:56:00.000+08:00

thursday was a wow-whee-ooh-aah! fun day! finally got to spent time with my favourite girls, and we finally got to watch a movie together after how many yeeeeaaaarrrsss.. and the best part is we watched X-men: The Last Stand! like finally.. been wanting to watch that one for ages. and it was up to expectation! (tricia and i were sobbing pretty badly when Xavier died. :P) it was so exciting and all. definitely worth the eight bucks. :) and just to digress a little, i was talking to derick about the movie later on, and he made a very funny comment..

derick: do you know what's the most powerful in the movie?
me: Phoenix!
derick: no. its Wolverine's pants. 'cos it didn't even tear when he walked towards Phoenix to kill her. his skin can tear.. but his pants cannot.

haha! don't you think it's hilarious? such movie bloopers really crack me up. :D

but anyway, we hung out at Food Republic after the movie for some supper. had some local deserts and dimsum, and we girls yakked away. we took some really retarded photos too! as i always say.. we must cherish the times when sarah's back. we rarely have pictures of the six of us already! so yes, i'm really happy sarah's back. :) and i feel even happier to see all of us happy and whole again. :)

so yesterday i spent the whole day with my parents, settling the house. i finally got a chance to discuss with the contractor how i want my room to be like. it's basically a black and white theme. but i shan't disclose much. :) but after a long and gruelling time with the contractor, my parents and i went to The Life Shop, which moved to Raffles City Shopping Centre after being stationed at Paragon. i never knew they moved there till i saw this gorgeous lamp on Style: Living magazine.

and yes i bought it. :P two in fact. for my bedside table. :)

alright. enough updates! it's time to do some work. i am trying to study alright.. been staying up till wee hours in the morning, trying to stuff F=BIL into my head. yes.. dreadful physics.

2006-06-06T20:23:00.000+08:00

today i went into Fendi with my mum, and holey moley! i fell in love with this spy bag..

behold! the denim-embroidered Fendi Spy Bag..

not only did this beauty leave me in awe, its price blew me away too. $3,090 everybody. damn, i wish i'm rich.. but FYI, this bag's not for sale in the stores in Singapore. the only way you can purchase it is to sign up in their waiting/order list. then, the manager will order for you and voila, your bag appears. the only ones available now are the normal black and brown leather ones. i think this is sold out if i'm not wrong.. hmmm..

it was fun hanging out with my mum today though. she went for her medical check-up, which is way overdued. she's been complaining about feeling faint so often, i really think she's going to one day. but anyhow, i felt so scared for her during her check-up today. there was one where she had to do a brain-scan; we were sent to a radiology room or something. she had to be pushed into a casket-look-alike-tube or some sort. it looks so claustrophobic.. but my mum braved it through! :) and now let's just hope the reports are all positive..

sarah's back! and we girls hung out last night at serangoon gardens. it was great having that old fart back. (literally an old fart she is.. :P) she has graduated from StoneyBrook High School and off she's going to Carnegie Mellon University. she's done us proud yes! :) hope i can spend time with my friends without hindering my studies.. gosh. its such a dreadful subject to talk about. and it only makes me feel a roaring rage inside. i hate school. hate studying. hate jc. damn it.

but i know i just have to live through this. and i have to make ends meet. my dad will so hit the roof and probably all the way to the solar system if i do badly for my As. oh god. i can't do badly.. shitassshit.

2006-06-04T21:38:00.000+08:00

i'm tanner, i love my new bikini, and i'm feeling gooood! :D

missed the zouk flea market today. but oh well! went around shopping, and goodness gracious me. saw some really good deals! since it's the GSS (Great Singapore Sale) right now. but bleh. trying to cut down.. so yeah!

changed my template, and boy is it chirpy chirpy! shall just be lax about my language and blab away! yes. i have to stay optimistic. just like my studies. it's not the end michelle, and to everyone else who is stressing out over As, we can make it! oh yes we can!

alright! shall not blab too much. precious time is ticking! bye bye blogger! hello physics!

2006-06-03T22:14:00.000+08:00

a new beginning.
a fresh start.

Right or Wrong?

2006-05-30T13:57:00.000+08:00

the 2 closest persons in my life often tell me that i always think i'm right and that i don't fight for my point, to convince them what i truly feel.
and so i decided to do some self-reflection!
(as lame as it sounds)
so i was thinking, who actually thinks that they're wrong most of the time?
ok, of course there are exceptions;
people who feel that they're fatuous most of the time and basically having almost zilch self-esteem.
but besides those people, i am pretty sure most people wouldn't like thinking that they're wrong.
everybody has pride and dignity,
it is just to what extent right?

as for me, i realised i always assume that i am giving in, and admitting that i'm wrong when i finally lose in a debate with my friends.
but deep down, (and probably pretty obvious to some)
i did not give in whole-heartedly.
instead, it was just a gesture to brush off the topic because i know i'm already on the losing end.
haha! i know.. i suck at debating.
but yet, still put up a dignified front.
you can't blame me..
although i try to seem like i don't care if i lose or not, deep down, i do.
human nature.
so all in all. there are 2 approaches i can take.
either i stop this pretending, and show that i do care that i lose in an arguement.
or i can just shut up and stop being so opinionated when my opinions do not stand. (according to them)
although i do think that there is sense to my opinions, i often find myself struggling to put across what i truly mean to say.
but sometimes, i also find myself thinking a bit "un-commonsensical" as they would put it.
i don't know, maybe i am weird.

but pertaining to the comments my friends gave me,
how can i convince them?
maybe because i don't have a good command of english, and my sentence structure is horrendous.
(you can tell from my blog entries)
i can never find the right words and expressions to convince them.
or maybe the root of the problem lies with my opinions in the first place.
they don't make sense.
possibly. i do agree.
so maybe in those cases, i should really keep my weird thoughts to myself.
but how can i convince them, when they are so convinced by their own opinions?
of course i am sure they do bother to hear what i've got to say, and try to "understand."
but like what i said earlier, most of the time people do think that they are right.
so even though they can "understand" and lend a listening ear,
they will never be convinced by me, because they are already convinced by themselves!
likewise for myself, i would never accept what they say entirely even though i throw in the towel.

so all in all, i don't think i am wrong all the time, but maybe now and then.
everybody has different logics and ideas, and it is hard to convince what i feel, especially when i can barely express myself properly.
i guess i just have to think more, much more, before i speak.
after all, i know i am a pretty irrational person. :P
but that will be another issue for another day.

alright! i've said enough! back to mugging..
dreadful dreadful dreadful..
hope today's party at MOS will be fun at least..

ciao.

Captured Moments

2006-05-19T23:57:00.000+08:00

just got home from Arts Week Performance (or something like that. i have no idea what's the event called) held in the PAC. (our pride and joy: Performing Arts Centre of CJC)
and just to cut things short, it was not good at all.
shan't use the B word. it's just too bad of me.
oh oops. ahh.. whatever.
but yeah. it was Bad. :P
so anyway, i came to notice something while dreaming away in the very comfortable cushioned seats..

as we were watching those students and alumni performing,
i saw flashes of light blinking here and there in the PAC.
well, obviously they were flash lights emitting from cameras..
but what struck me was,
even though the picture may turn out pretty and nice and as though the performers did an excellent job and they earned roaring applauses after that,
nobody would know if what they see in the picture is what exactly happened.
'cos i was thinking, when the audience was taking pictures of that student from China who stumbled quite a bit when she was playing a piece on the piano,
the moment captured would not reflect any of those stumbles.
instead, she would look so professional and spectacular.
'cos she had all that facial expression and body movement going on.

ok. i know its not some sort of original-wow-ooh-enlightening-revelation or what not.
but it was just a passing thought.
how a captured moment on a piece of paper,
may reflect something entirely paradoxical,
when it is suppose to capture that moment for what it is.

imagine when the world does become advanced enough to really have animated photographs or videos, captured on a piece of paper.
you know, like those magical photos in Harry Potter?
yeah.. imagine if the world really reaches that stage of technology.
imagine, how hurtful the truth will be.
when the truth is exactly the contrary of wad you see in a picture.
i guess good old photographs are still the best.
and actually, before this stage of pixalated coloured photographs,
the previous generation is black and white eh..
maybe black and white is even better.
hides more truth..
like.. when a husband has a mark on his collar of his shirt when he takes a photo with his big client in a KTV lounge.
the wife may think the mark is some food stain when she sees the photo.
but the truth may possibly be a lipstick stain of some KTV hostess.
:P
ok. that's really random..

oh well.. just a silly thought while watching the very Boring performance.
but of course, i still think dance was good!! :P
ok. biased i know.
but hey, i love dance. :)

ciao.

Time-Racer

2006-05-16T23:56:00.000+08:00

im chasing after a time-racer.
and boy are my legs aching.
i can hardly pick up my momentum,
but whoosh there i go chasing!

my feet sweeps the pages on the floor
like a treadmill, it goes round and round.
im stagnant, but the time-racer's speeding!
and i panic! but question marks was all i found..

so how do i keep up with this time-racer?
the fastest vehicle i've ever seen!
the finishing line is nearing, and i am still lagging,
oh somebody please, chop of my knees!

-- yes, im definitely sick of studying.

Fantasy

2006-05-12T21:22:00.000+08:00

i have many fantasies in life.
ok. that sounded wrong. but i wanted it to be as explicit as possible.
i don't mean wet dreams or any sort of sexual fantasies (as most guys will relate to)
i meant love stories, fairytales, dreams and ambitions we girls grew up with.
and i thought i should share some of my older fantasies.
which implies that i still have fantasies. :P
no doubt.
which girl doesn't dream to live in a perfect fairytale?
ok. actually, i eat my words.
some girls nowadays dont need to live on fairytales.
and i can think of 2 girls (really close to me) already.

so let's begin with Fairytale Number One.
when i was in lower primary school i think..
i used to pretend im those chinese characters you see on the 7 o'clock-channel-8-drama-serial, where princesses with a certain power fly here and there with th0se long silky cloth floating behind them..
you know.. like "ba xian guo hai" (8 immortals cross the river) kinda thing?
so anyway, i usually act out these fantasies when i shower.
'cos you know, i'd pretend i have the power of shooting water out from my "sleeves"?
i would fling my arm forward, so juts of water will fly out cos i stand under the shower?
haha! can you imagine..?
alright. go figure.
and so, the Water Princess meets a demon from Hades.
and she tries all her might to fight it.
she used her water shooting tactics, called a storm (that's when i turn around in circles and try to make more water fly) and summon the waves from the sea to wash the demon away (that's when i kick the water off the floor)
but of course to no avail..
then, this really powerful immortal comes to save me! (naturally..)
i can't really remember his power..
but anyway, i would pretend he would wrap me in his arms (which was actually the bath towel)
and dry me up.
and tell me everything will be ok.. :)

alright. as fatuous as it may sound, it was one hell of a fantasy!
i loved my power. :D
and those images of me fighting the demon were so vivid.
well of course it had to be, or else i wouldn't even remember it so clearly now.
i could imagine real streams of water coming out of my "sleeves"
(i imagined my clothes to be something like "gu gu".. oh darn. i forgot what's the drama serial name called. but it was played by fann wong and christopher lee? :P)
but anyway.. DON'T LAUGH OK.
it was fun playing with water in the shower.
and i bet some people out there still do it!
as you know.. people do crazy things when they're in the shower..
mostly silly things that they like to keep to themselves. :)

ok moving on to Fairytale Number Two.
ok this one was older.. but i can't really remember exactly when..
so anyway, i am some sort of assistant PR organisor of events, or something like that.
and i don't have much money.
i share an apartment with 2 room-mates.
im single, but one of my room-mates was attached to a really really sweet guy.
and the other's just one who loves life and doesn't give a shit about relationships, and gives the weirdest advice.
so anyway, the fairytale revolves around us 3.
and we all have our love problems. and we'll share it with each other when we get home.
but never interfered too much, just talked alot.
'cos we were all very opinionated.
so naturally, there was a guy.
and he just moved in and stayed at the apartment opposite ours.
and i think you can figure the rest..

but the highlight of this fairytale, was my attitude towards life..
in this fairytale, i wasn't a woman with an amazing career or love life.
the guy was normal.. wasn't rich or drop dead gorgeous. but really sincere and loyal.
i was always busy with work though.
and my 2 room mates will always complain..

i guess that's what fairytales are for.
for you to become somebody you can never be.
can i ever be such a simplistic girl?
i admit, i am materialistic.
how can i ever be that girl in my fairytale.
that girl whose desires in life can be counted with one hand.
who settles for a simple guy.
who lives life day by day without any excitement.
and one who's so focused on her work.
to achieve a better standing in her job.

im impetuous and emotional.
and how i wish i can be otherwise..
but that will only happen in my fairytales.
because i can never take control of my life and especially my heart.
and maybe it's time for me to try.
but dithering is what im best at.
to say that i will try and will succed, are all just mendacious.
i cant even get myself to focus on my studies for more than 2 hours every 2 days..

just thinking how trapped i am, makes me feel so depressed.
and how my life is looking to me, makes it worse..

You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the scar
You'll be the road, rolling below
The wheels of a car
And all of the thoughts, oh god
Don't know if I'm strong enough now
You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the
Catalyst

i used to think these fairytales are my catharsis..
but i no longer dream.
'cos im sucked into this society,
where responsiblities, commitments and routines robs you of your imaginery world.
so what is my catharsis now..?
tears.
what else eh.
cheers.

An Ode to my Brothers.

2006-05-08T22:51:00.000+08:00

for the past week, Sheldon has been living with us.
and i couldn't be happier to have him at home.
although there were times when i felt that all was one-sided, i was wrong.
on the night before he went back to America, he said he wanted to spend time with me.
(well of course, being the cool, oldest brother he is, he didn't exactly say he wanted to spend time with me. instead he said "i wanna hang out with you." :D)
so Sheldon, Derick and I, and few other friends went to Zouk that night.
and it being my first time going to Zouk, i felt so lucky to have both my brothers accompanying me.

i know most girls who have older brothers, have their brothers to watch over them and to take care of them.
to joke with them, to play with them, to irritate them, to guide them.
but i never had such chances when i was growing up.
my brothers are 14 and 11 years older them me, respectively.
and Sheldon left Singapore when i was 1 years old.
there were so little memories of us playing together (almost close to naught)
and only a handful of 'em with Derick.
i always looked up to them, and i think i have mentioned it before in my previous entry.
but this time around when Sheldon came back, and we went to Zouk together,
i don't know.
maybe because i'm 18 now, and our interests are more or less in the same wavelength,
and we can do things that we all enjoy doing together,
that makes me feel closer to my 2 brothers for once, after a very long time.
no matter our differences, our arguments, our heated debates and fights,
i know we love each other.
and for the first time, when Sheldon hugged me before he left,
i felt like crying.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you too," i said.
maybe it was because Sheldon and i worry over the same reason, and care for the same person so much that it hurts, that brought our hearts together for that moment.

Derick is always our brother,
and sometimes saying those 3 words to him is so hard.
but somehow, Derick brought tears to my eyes too, when i saw him play his guitar for our family friends during dinner.

i admire his courage and non-existing self-consciousness;
to play and sing with all his heart and soul, even if he wasn't the bestest singer or guitarist around.
i wish i could be like him when i dance, to set my heart free.
i felt so proud of him when he sang his own songs.
and i wish he knew that i still look up to him, very much.

but all in all, i wish my 2 brothers well.
for their lives ahead are even in a darker gray than mine.
i wish someday, we will all be able to talk and speak our mind, and hold all kinds of conversations, without having to hurt each other.
i love my brothers.
and i know under all that coolness and pride, they love me very much too. :)

oh! and Sheldon bought me this really really nice heart-shaped necklace. :)
ok. it's a little small.. but it is still visible right? it's really pretty!

i am one happy girl. :)

2006-05-03T18:59:00.000+08:00

so many things have happened since the last time i blogged.
but that's 'cos ive been bogged down by tons and tons of work to do.
tzarist has been taking up most of my time,
and it got so complicated and tiring,
it was really taking a toll on me.
and my studies suffered the most.
so today is the day when i wash my hands of tzarist for a while.
until my A leves are over at least.
i'll miss her, but i have my priorities.
so till november, goodbye tzarist!
and hello A levels..
(how very dreary)

so anyway, i was looking back at my 18 years of life,
and compared it with tomorrow.
and i realised something.
my future is as bleak, as it was for the past 18 years of my life.
nothing was ever clear to me.
and for the next 24 hours,
i know it will stay the same.
i lose control, 'cos my heart always take charge.
it's so scary just thinking how i cant control myself.
i always wish to be stronger, but as everyone knows, it's just talk.
so how can i change my tomorrow?
how can i take control of myself?
will doing well in my As be the stepping stone to a clearer future?
will a big change, like going overseas to study, change my tomorrow?
so many question marks..

oh wells..
i should go. 'cos i would probably get scolded for blogging this entry.
alright. till the next entry..

ciao.

A Series of Fortunate Events

2006-04-10T15:41:00.000+08:00

it all began on last Thursday, 6th Of April 2006.
it was my dear brother, Derick's, 29th birthday.
we had dinner at the new chinese restaurant at Great World City with 2 of his friends and my parents.
it was a sumptuous meal indead.
we had shark's fin, lobster, bamboo clams.. etc.
derick wanted a seafood dinner, so there it was!

but the highlight of that day wasn't the yummilicious meal.
but a sibling love i experienced, which is something i've longed to have.
i bought my brother 2 lovely tops from topman.
and before i presented the gift to him, i was so worried if he'd like it or not.
but thankfully, he loved it.
he wore it during dinner! (look at the picture! its a cowboy shirt. :))
and he was so surprised that i gave him a gift and so thankful at the same time, he opened his arms to give me a hug.
although i was stupefied, i was overwhelmed with love too.
it has been so long since we've hugged.
and i was so happy. :)

i was down with a sore throat then, but it didn't bring my spirits down.
i didn't go to school on Friday, 'cos i needed to rest.
but i had a wonderful night with my 2 best girlfriends in school, Ashley and Pearl.
it was our first proper date together, and we celebrated my birthday in advance at the same time too!
we ate at the Balcony (i finally went there, yes!) and the food was surprisingly not that expensive.
so we had a delightful meal followed by very (may i repeat that) very sinful indulgence afterwards.
we headed to esplanade's Max Brenners, and we indulged ourselves with monstrous amount of chocolate!
we had chocolate fondue, dark java chocolate with orange peel and a milk chocolate suckao.
our fats were yelling "no more no more!"
but we still gobbled everything down. :D

Saturday started early in the zoo.
my darling and i had a wonderful wonderful day there.
and i was hoping so badly for the rest of my bestest best friends to be there with us.
but they all said they couldn't make it.
but the truth was, serr and them conspired to surprise me after i've toured around the zoo!
serr pretended to want to buy Ben&Jerry's, but was actually leading me to my friends!
and they were all there. :)
Karina, Sabrina, Tanessa and Tricia.
their presence was enough to make me smile from ear to ear, but there was more!
the waiter brought out a HUGE tub of Ben&Jerry's.
18 different scoops of ice-cream altogether
it was SO SO SO yummilicious!
and i am a sucker for chocolate and anything sweet.
imagine the toll i've put on my fats and stomach..
and not to mention my very bad sore throat.
but it was too good to resist.
and i was immensely touched by my dear friends. :)

we headed back home to have steamboat at my balcony.
my dad opened a bottle of his best wines, year 2002.
and we sat down together sipping our wines and chit-chatting away, while we cooked our food in the steaming hot pot.
they stayed all the way till 12 midnight, and sang a birthday song for me.
by then, i have already lost my voice.
and i couldn't tell them how thankful i am, and how touched i was, for everything.
but i hope they know, that they made my birthday the best birthday i have ever had.
i love all of you, very much.

and on that same night, i met with another surprise!
after gorging down the steamboat food,
Dinah and Ming (my sweetest junior ever) rang my doorbell,
and presented me with a box of apple pies and chocolate and blueberry muffins!
they have no idea how surprised i was.
and it was such a wonderful wonderful wonderful surprise.
'cos it was all so unexpected.
and i'm so honoured to be remembered in their hearts, even though i wouldn't think i'm of much importance to them.
but i was wrong, and i'm so blessed to be able to be their friend.

the next morning, my dad came home with a bouquet of flowers.
yet, another wonderful surprise.
my parents spent 2 hours finding the perfect card and bouquet in the morning just for me.
and i can't be thankful enough.
my brother too gave me a gift.
and he also had pains searching for something to give me.
in the end, an old school micky mouse shirt.
did the trick. :)

there is so much love going on this weekend, my terrible flu was unable to bring me down. although now i am unable to get out of bed, and unable to breathe,
it was all worth it.
i had the best birthday in my short 18 years of life.
and it wouldn't have happen if i hadn't have such fabulous family and friends.
and i hope they know that i am so thankful for everyone of them, and moved by all the sweet love they've given me.

to all of you,
thank you.

Dance with your Heart.

2006-04-02T11:20:00.000+08:00

yesterday was the finals, and Incandescence received consolation prize.
we were shocked at first, no doubt.
'cos we were exhilarted about our performance; so proud and happy when we went back to our dressing room.
after i did my last pose for our dance, i stood so proud, beaming at the applauding audience.
'cos for once, i felt i did my best.
i gave my best.
and i knew it, 'cos i wasn't my heart wasn't tired of dancing.
even though my body was.
i held my head up high, and my fist in the air, and i smiled under my heavy panting.
this is it.
i did it.
and we were great.
and that is what's most important.
although we didn't clinch top 3, nothing can rob us of that exuberant moment.
and i want to thank all these people, for making that moment happen, and for making me the best dancer i could for our performance.
and i know, with all these people i have to thank, i will be a better dancer, and i will win a trophy home the next opportunity i get.

Ryan.
i would like to thank him first and foremost, because without him, i wouldn't have even gotten this chance to dance this beautifully choreography. and despite the love-hate relationship, i give him my utmost respect and admiration. for having foresight and faith in us.

Madam Pang and Mrs Koh.
our teachers-in-charge would have never been more dedicated and helpful as these two. Madam Pang brings us food to O-School on a Sunday afternoon when she had tons of work to mark. Mrs Koh is expecting and has two young sons to take care of, yet she stayed back to help clean our steps and give her opinion on our movements. i can't imagine who can do a better job than our two teachers. i sincerely thank them for always being there for us.

Mel.
our one and only dance president, and my fellow classmate. i thank you mel for being such a great leader and guide to all of us. your talent in dancing inspires me to become a better dancer. and i respect your leadership and thoughtfulness for all us. thank you, for everthing. even though we didn't win, we have gain victory with our hearts.

Tash.
thank you for cleaning our steps almost throughout the whole practice and training period. you have been great and sensitive to each and every one of us. and i think that is the best thing about you. you care for all of our opinions.

Pam.
oh gosh. i don't even know where to begin thanking you pam. you have done so so so much for Incandescence. all the behind-the-scene things were all managed by you during the preliminary. and Incandescence wouldn't even have come this far if it wasn't for you. thank you. thank you so much.

Jea.
my mirror. although there were disagreements, Incandescence wouldn't have been the same without you. you have been responsible and helpful and the best is, you always help us watch our backs. and i enjoy the times when we sing together, and make a fool of ourselves. you brought life to our team.

Char/da/ka.
you three are wonderful dancers. and i learn from each and every one of you everytime we dance. how to move with style and grace.. you three have 'em all. and i admire that. thank you for being my inspiration. and thank you for always putting a smile on my face when you guys do silly things. so dry your tears you three, you guys were great, we were great, and how we felt after the dance couldn't have been better.

Jac.
you my dear, are the most hilarious. you never fail to make me laugh and smile. thank you for the korean songdance when i was upset. it was really sweet of you. i am so glad i got to know you better through this endeavour. and so far, you have been the best young female popping dancer i know. and i'm honoured to be your friend!

Stelli.
the small girl in our family. your giggles, your jokes, your thoughts.. you make us feel young at heart girl! but depsite all this, you stand firm on your ground when Ryan doubt your ability to dance 'cos of your knee injuries. and i liked that. be strong always and take care of yourself alright?

Pooty.
since st nicks, i have never doubted your ability to dance. and when i saw you dance first hand this year, you wow-ed me even more. you're a great dancer dear, and i am sure you would go really far with your talent. although you may be quite blur sometimes, it only makes you more lovable. i hope to see you rich and famous soon!

Ming and Bev.
although i only know you two this year, i am glad i had the chance. Ming, you're blur ways and random comments cracks me up all the time. your dedication and determination earned my respect for you. you'll always go aside to practice your steps and make sure you get it right. and i think that kinda attitude is wonderful. i hope you'll pass on this dedication to the rest of dance next year alright? Bev, your commitment to dance is admirable too. despite your sprained back, you hung on for dance. and if it wasn't for your determination to hang on, Incandescence wouldn't have been complete without you.

Iz.
nobody could have done a better job than you Iz! you will always be our one and only Drug-free Girl. thank you for contributing. our placards wouldn't have been so pretty if it weren't for you. thank you so much.

Incandescence, we have won.
and we have proved ourselves to be the best.
we danced for us, for our teachers, for ryan.
and as long as we know we did our best,
we are champions.

i love all of you.

and to all those who came to support me and Incandescence, thank you. thank you for standing by us, and thank you for the flowers and love you give me.

Danceworks has been a great experience. and i hope i have many more dance experiences to come..

ciao.

flash of the light

2006-03-23T03:10:00.000+08:00

i wasn't sure how it happened..
i was so afraid to cross the road.
i never had problems jay-walking.
but today, i thought i saw myself being banged down by a car.
the lights coming from the cars started to scare me.
my feet were rooted to the floor.
and i don't know if it was because lethargy took over me to the point where i couldn't control my body.
or was i really so scared that i couldn't budge at all.
im not trying to exaggerate.
i was really scared.
i really believed i was going to die, just that moment.
i just knew i was going to get knocked down..
i don't even know how to begin describing how i felt.
maybe it was something like those jerks you get in your dreams-
where you fall off a building and you find yourself jerking on your bed.
and bolts up feeling as if it really did happened..

i think i'm just tired.
but i'm not sleeping.. why..
i have no idea.
it's 3.16am.
i'm wide awake.
i've got unfinished homework piling up on my desk.
but here i am.
disturbed.

2006-03-21T20:05:00.000+08:00

the march holidays were put to good use in a charitable sense.
went to jakarta with a few friends to help out kids who are too poor to study and have very minimal education.
we went to the city slumps, tiny classrooms, subsidised tuition centres etc..
all the kids were so adorable!
and they were so eager to learn, unlike singapore kids who take their education for granted.
it is our fortune to be educated and learned; to have compulsory education until Primary 6.
we should count our lucky stars.
but anyway, it was a pity we only get to stay around 2 hours in each place.
but at least we went to quite a number of schools.
although i feel we didn't really make a difference to each child's learning process
('cos we were there to entartain them most of the time and not educate them)
it was still an insightful and fulfilling trip i would say.
i'm glad i got to witness the other side of the world.

so anyway, back i am in school..
and yes i got back my results.
C for math,
E for physics
and yes F for econs. (my first F ever in my life.. )
just like wad i expected yes?
oh wells.. at least i was mentally prepared for it.
oh! and i'm in econs remedial. haha!
it's about time i need more help. but it'll just add on to my mountainous pile of homework.
wad a dread..

however! something really happy happened yesterday!
our dear friend sabrina wee yue wen turned 18 on the 20th of march!
2nd one in our little group of friends.. :)
we had a conference call at 12 midnight, all 6 of us.
yes! sarah included. :) aaalll the way from mmmmm long islands. :D (i bet you think i'd say mexico! ok.. just being lame..)
turning 18 is like crossing over to become an adult.
nothing's illegal anymore.
ooohhh.. can't wait to turn 18 myself.
yes. soon soon. very soon.. :)

oh goodness.. speaking of soon..
danceworks is NEXT saturday. freak out.
i didn't know it was THAT soon.
i got a shock when i was looking through my diary, and the list of upcoming events.
goodness gracious me.
intensive training, here i come..
dance is having morning run every tuesday and thursday!
but i guess it's good for us.
but mass pe and morning run..?
my body better be toner or else i'd just faint and die..

alright, i better get down to doing my moutainous pile of homework..
sigh..

ciao.

Integration

2006-03-12T23:53:00.000+08:00

"In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two."
- Erich Fromm

you know, the first year of a relationship is always the best.
honeymoon period some people would call it.
the process of discovery, sincere earnestness and courtship.
everything is laid on the table.
candid and genuine.
but as the relationship gets older.
we take each other for granted,
reveal our true colours,
see ourselves change as time changes.
and that's when it begins -- integration.

i realised we'll integrate into each other's lives,
struggling between being yourself and being a single body with your partner.
take my parents for example,
most of their quarrels are due to their contrasting personal opinions on things.
and they each develop their own personal opinions through the different life experiences each of them has.
like for my dad, he's a successful businessman, and hence he sees things in a bigger picture and handles situations with a domineering front.
my mum, being a housewife all her life, begins to stand up for herself now that she's turning old and tries to give her two cents worth. however, in a smaller picture because of her lack of work experiences.
so that's when they differ.
they just don't understand each other,
and simply cannot agree with each other.

so how does this integration works?
this so called marriage.
how do we deal with these ever-changing differences?
when at the end of the day, all we meant is to voice our opinions and not hurt the opposite party?
we don't mean to get into a fight.
who wants to anyway?

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."
-- James Baldwin

but i guess it's just all part of growing up eh?

you are what you wear

2006-03-07T22:33:00.000+08:00

i went running the many errands i had today.
ie. buy earring materials, stickers, and search for a red top for dance.
i completed the first 2 in a flash.
but the last errand took a while too long..

i was in topshop at Marina Square
(and boy is that place a shopping haven!)
and you have no idea how embarrassing it was..
'cos everytime after i paid for my item, i walk out of the store,
and i would spot something nice and affordable
and off i go back to the changing room,
then to the cashier to pay for it.
and i did it for THREE times.
result: i bought 5 things from there altogether.
sheesh.. the sales-girl must think i'm crazy..
but anyway, i bought one dress (really cute!) two basic tops and two boxers. :)
and i'm really happy with my buys. :)

so anyway, i was thinking about how much i love clothes.
fashion in other words.
and its so amazing how different clothes can make me feel so different about myself.
like for example,
when i wear my pink bustier dress, i would feel so much like a lady from the old english times. 'cos i matched it with my gold locket and my pinned-up-messy-hair.
and because i feel this way, i would behave so much more lady-like, and well sweet..
(not that im not sweet most of the time! :D)
and when i wear my sailor vest and jeans, i would feel so much like a sailor!
fun-loving and spontaneous..
i would be jumping around with glee most of the time. :)
and when i wear my black button-up blouse with my one-sided devil's tail earring,
i would feel so dark and fierce..
like some evil jap anime..
and i would squint my eyes and talk with my mouth slightly open..
acting as though i'm a really cool person.
(ok i know im really not one.. but i feel cool ok!)

it's just so fun you know?
wearing different clothes and pretending to be different people.
i guess that's why i looovveee shopping for clothes, accessories, shoes etc..
it's a lovely routine.
and a routine i love doing over n over again. :)

so picture this.
everyday, i would draw my curtains,
take a look at the weather outside,
and open my wardrobe, put my hands on my hips,
and plan my character-to-be for the day. :)
i love being a woman.

ciao.

Sex or Money?

2006-03-05T23:45:00.000+08:00

yesterday night i was at coffee bean with my family and friends.
and i was talking to my friend when suddenly this young couple caught my attention.
they weren't exactly a fantastic looking couple, pretty mediocre actually.. but yeah.
they caught my attention 'cos they were pretty much all over each other.
(meaning, the guy's hand was on her ass, and her hand was rubbing his back. try to picture..)

so they were lining up at the counter and the guy bought his drink.
(note: the girl didn't get anything)
then they settled down at a table not far from mine.
they were laughing and talking
(and obviously flirting with each other 'cos they were all touchy touchy)
and soon after the girl stood up with his wallet in her hand.
so i figured she wanted to get something to munch on now.
so off she went to the counter. and as she was talking to the staff member,
she was tiptoeing (and btw, she was wearing a pretty short skirt, and she has pretty nice legs.
oh, and ass too.) and i looked back at the guy who was waiting at the table.
and strangely, he kept on looking back at the girl again and again and again.
and i couldn't read his expression at all.. it was a cross between a smile.. and a frown..
ok. i really don't know what his face read.

but i can deduce 2 reasons why he kept on looking back at the girl.
1. he was totally checking her out 'cos i hafta admit, she really does have a pair of hot legs and her skirt was really really short.
2. he was totally checking if she was rumaging through his wallet/using too much of his cash.

so what can i say?
men are pretty much bastards.
alright, so maybe i shouldn't generalise or stereotype.
but seriously, this incident sums up pretty much what a guy's all about in a relationship.
sex or money?
ultimately, they look for either one in a relationship isn't it?

but then again, i know, i shouldn't be so harsh.
'cos there are nice guys out there who really truly love their partners.
but out of 10, tell me, how many guys wld stay forever faithful to their partners?
and when i say faithful, i mean no desire for another woman sexually or simply as a companion.
out of 10 married couples, i would boldly say 4 of 'em have cheated on their wives.
sad, but true.

but maybe we women are just practising double standards.
'cos there are women who are capable of being the philandering one too, i hafta admit.
but you can't blame 'em.
i mean, who did they learn it from?
obviously the best.
in other words, the very man himself.
so we shouldn't turn the tables around.
yes that's right.
i still stand by my stand.

Oh Pretty Baby.. :)

2006-03-03T23:26:00.000+08:00

so today marks the end of the most dreadful CTs.
yes. finally.
all i've got to say is im gonna fail with a F (note: not even an O) for econs and physics.
and as for gp and math..
i'll just cross my fingers and hope i'll do ok..

so why did i do so badly?
for the obvious reason, i didn't study.
as in seriously, i really didn't study for em.
and why such a slack approach?
(i can't exactly blame it on danceworks so..)
shrugs.
wasn't feeling too well the past few days i guess..

but anyhoo!
i finally met up with saaabbrriinnnaa today. :)
and passed her her yummilicious chocolates that I bought for her.. :D
and also, i met jiaying and wendy too!
we all went for the career fair at suntec.
and goodness.. the only prominent university i know of there is..
Nanyang Technology University.
there were like all sorts of funny universities from China, India, New Zealand etc etc..
but oh wells.. at least we got some brochures.
got to meet tanessa and charmaine too!
goodness i miss those girls..
luckily we're gonna meet up for dinner tomorrow.
hurray! :)

alright, i've got my boxes back. (yay!)
so off i go making earrings now!

ciao.

2006-02-28T16:36:00.000+08:00

INCANDESCENCE: DANCEWORKS FINALS HERE WE COME!

i really couldn't believe my ears when i heard our group's name being called out as first.
it was amazing.. the exuberant feeling was so overwhelming..
my goodness.
if only i could take this feeling and keep it in a bottle,
and whenever i need some happy feeling,
i'll open the cork and sniff some of that fume of joy! :)

i want to thank Ryan (our choreographer).
'cos without him, we really wouln't have won, and gotten into the finals.
the whole idea was captivating and fresh and i guess that was what appealed to the judges.
and i am so so so glad that i can be part of it,
and part of incandescence which includes, mel (our dance president),
pam, jeanette, freda, charlotte, erica, tash, bev, ming, jac, anthea and stelli.
you guys did great. :)
and without each one of you, our item wouldn't have been complete.
there was much drama in between, and im glad we pulled through.
well done incandescence.
let's bring home the trophy during the finals girls!
don't forget, we have to bring back the glory for illuminate too.
i was at loss when i saw them cry..
the competition on sunday was tough, and i know illuminate could have done better.
but all's well. they did a good job.
and we'll bring the glory home for them.

now, it's back to common tests.
and i can assure you i'll bring home 3 Fs.
that's right. flung-a-doodle-doo!

alright, i better try to revise a little.
(though i think it wouldn't really help..)

ciao.

2006-02-21T21:42:00.000+08:00

And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until i'm taken by these bolts of pain
But i turn them off and tuck them away
till these rainy days that make them stay
And then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday
And i dont think they'll ever go away
Just like thinking of your childhood home
But we cant go back we're on our own
- "November" by Azure Ray

~

dance with me. i beg you please.
entwine me with those swirls of insouciance.
wrap me with those arms of jubilance.
caress me with those whispers of pleasantry.

dance with me till my world spins
of different colours and iridescent light rays
let my mind wander, into that imaginary Arcadia
where everything's uncomplicated, and blissful.

dance with me, and look into my eyes.
hold my hand, hold my waist.
hold my heart, hold my face..
kiss me gently, and tell me everything's okay..

dance with me, my legs are giving way.
don't let go of my friable heart.
please.. dance with me.
dance with me, Beatitude.

2006-02-21T20:52:00.000+08:00

we sat silently, like a still image.
teary-eyed, swollen face;
steamed, worn;
numb, used;
hidden.

we sat, a distant apart.
without a word, nor sound.
each of us living a miserable life..
i kept silent.

take it in, and brush it away.
that's all i tell myself.
but you're like a sponge.
soaking all my spirit away.

my heart's a void.
but it still hurts.
and i pray for you.
i pray for you, my family.

2006-02-12T20:40:00.000+08:00

alright a break down of what's gonna happen..

1. Danceworks on the 25th of Feb.
(damn. this is my first ever dance competition, and yes i'm freaking out! we still have not gotten our costumes, props, blocking.. as Missy Elliot says "Get your freak on!!")

2. Common test from 27th Feb to 10th Mar.
(another damnation. obviously, due to the reason of being unprepared. what's new..)

3. Self-initiated voluteer work at Jakarta from 15th to 18th Mar.
(yes!! school holidays rock despite it being short-termed. i can't wait to help those kids in Jakarta.. :))

4. School resumes on the 19th Mar. Term 2 begins..
(i. can't. wait. to. be. done. with. JC.)

Things i have to improve on..

1. My soon-to-be-toned-stomach.
(yes it's wasting away.. aahhh! -presses my flexed stomach- where are you aps?!?!)

2. My time-management.
(enough making earrings michelle. studies first!)

3. My school work.
(why must sth related to school always appear in my lists! bah. school.. what a hell-hole.)

-

sometimes i wonder what we're living for. and i think most people live to be normal. to lead a normal life. without judgement or prejudice. follow the cycle of getting a degree, finding a partner, settle down and build a family, work to earn more money to enjoy more luxuries in life, teach your children well and see them grow, retire, and lastly, live life till you die.. but of course, there are many variations of that cycle. like how some people are celebraties, and they probably go through a few marriages before building a family and may have already earned millions even before a normal person gets his degree. but ultimately, it has all those components i've mentioned.

how can life be interesting? how can we achieve that happiness, that desire deep down inside? which reminds me of an article in Elle, Feb issue. it speaks of how to achieve real desires in life or something. (now i can't refer to my magazine because some idiot stole it when i absent-mindedly left it in the changing room at my condo. i curse you to grow warts on your nose, you theif! and i don't care no finder keepers, losers weepers bull!) so what is really living life..? to be happy? does living life normally bring about the contentment that may be deemed as happiness? is that the best we can do with our lives?

would being in a homosexual relationship successfully depsite the societal discriminations give you that happiness? would living life as a shoplifter or pick-pocket give you the thrill in life that brings about happiness? would staying single and simply bed with a targeted amount of 1001 men give you that satisfaction and happiness? is doing things that are out of the norm the only way to lift the standard of happiness? or would it bring about more confusion and unneccessary troubles in life that eventually makes you return to being a conformist?

Giacomo Casanova. the debonair gentlemen that bedded 122 women in his 73 years of life. he has been exiled in various European countries. escaped like a fugitive. yet he still lived life so filled with excitement and adventure. "understanding people" he called it. was his aim in life. to meet as many people as he could. to love like no one can. and he did it. in his 73 years of life, he has experienced almost all faces of life. how amazing and fulfilling does that feels.. he even managed to script all his encounters into a volume called "History of My Life".

now that is what i call live life to the fullest. :)

ciao.

2006-01-31T00:58:00.000+08:00

i know. i haven't been updating. my apologies blogspot. but life's a whirlwind you know? and to update constantly, ain't possible.

so life goes on, and it's chinese new year. not that it means much to me other than wearing new clothes, recieving hongbaos and eating alot of unhealthy food. (i'm super stuffed by the way. even right now as i'm typing i can feel i have some big fat glutinous ball stuck in my stomach. argh..) but nonetheless, it is a joyous occasion. seeing people clad in red and all.. even if you're in the foulest mood, you can't be that mad with all that red around. red, after all, is a colour of happiness and prosperity. and not to mention, my dad has been super friendly and affectionate. which really irks me sometimes. shudders.. i'm a lady now you know dad.

CJ had a short CNY celebration in the morning on friday. yes see that bold word there? CJ never gives us the luxury of having half days i tell you. a short one hour celebration and trudging back to class we go. but oh well.. dance performed of course. and yeah, i got to perform too. didn't think i danced my best 'cos my shoes had barely any friction and the stage was ultra slippery! i guess cos it's so new and all. the polished and smooth floor wasn't easy on us. especially us who did the jazz piece. but all in all, the turn out was good. :) and we dance girls even managed to skip quite a fair bit of lessons that day.

this. is. terrible. after all that training during the holidays, my about-t0-be-toned-stomach is back to square one. damn CNY. with all that tempting good food, i just can't resist! and plus, my spirits have been lifted up lately, all the more my appetite grows. damn it.. and once school starts, we'll have our pre-NAPFA tests. sigh.. i surrender. i shall just settle with a bronze this year.. (i hate NAPFA)

ciao.

2006-01-05T16:01:00.000+08:00

my stomach's churning. it's making a symphony i tell you.. and i officially went through fever last night. a proper fever for 2 nights consecutively. i've never encountered such a case before. my fever actually went up to 38.5 degrees celsius and i was burning, like hell. it felt horrible. i was perspiring and i felt queasy inside. and i felt my head being fried. even my eyes felt hot. bah.. i really hope it won't come tonight again.

and the worst of all, i've been having diarrhea and i'm feeling nauseus all the time. fuck. what a way to start the year.

ciao.

2006-01-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

i'm ill. and i'm terribly ill. but i'm in a mess. and i don't want any help, no. 'cos i love myself. and i wanna depend on myself.

i really should get down to doing some homework. i really should. or else it'll just keep piling up. but my mind ain't ready to absorb.. how can i curb that seriously. damn it, words are cheap. and there's no motivation for me to study.

i cried really hard today. inside and out. i had my back to the toilet's cubicle door and i cried.

i should make some earrings. get my mind off things. but then again, there's homework. and my body's aching. so bad. and i don't wanna depend on those pills. 'cos i love myself. and i wanna depend on myself.

here i come School. here i come..

ciao.

2006-01-03T21:29:00.000+08:00

so i had my first day in school, and it ended at 5. how dreadful can it be.. and you know now we have this 10 day time-schedule? so for 2 weeks, we have different time-table for every single day. and the reason behind it? 'cos brother paul realised that there are too many public holidays on Mondays, so he decided to make 2 Mondays different, so that we won't miss the same lessons for 2 weeks kinda thing. get my drift? boy oh boy is brother paul thoughtful. not.

but that aside, school has started, and it's time to get serious. it'll help me get my mind off things anyway. a new year, a new beginning. yes. cheers to that. :) although i have already failed to fufil my resolutions.. (i still hate chemistry and im still not exactly paying attention. and, i fell asleep during lecture. what's new seriously..) i will try my very best to at least do my homework. nods. i can live through this alone. yes michelle can! :)

damn are words cheap.

ciao.

2006-01-01T19:01:00.000+08:00

its the new year. :) and boy is it gonna be a long dreary year ahead. yes. its the A levels year. scary shit.

alright! so time for some new year resolution!

1. Have more faith in Chemistry and the teacher.
damn Witchy Toh. although i really wished she'll hang herself with her disgusting long hair, i have to, have to stop thinking morbid thoughts about her and listen to her in class. or else, my grades will definitely suffer even more. just one more year michelle!

2. Stop falling asleep in school, sleep early!
michelle.. you better make sure you stop it, or else you'll be known as the Queen of Droolers.

3. Try to get rid of the layer of fats on your stomach.
hell.. do more cardio exercises michelle! doing only sit-ups won't help you bodo..

4. Love yourself, then love others.
ok. i shan't elaborate here. but you should know you need to build up that esteem of yours michelle. this way, would you then be able to love others.

5. Have better time management.
this is vital! if you want to make your parents happier and still continue making beautiful earrings..

6. Stop saying things without processing through my thick skull first.
this you must do for crying out loud. or else, you'll continue causing the damages you've caused before.

7. Save up.
yes. christmas is over. holidays are over. no more excuse for spending money you guilty girl.

alright. i guess 7 resolution should be about it! although i think i have many more things which i need improve on. but these are all i can think of at the moment.

things are going to be different for me next year. free and easy, yes? all the best to all you people out there and myself! cheers to a new year! :) (and may Tzarist prosper even more! :D)

ciao.

2005-12-29T01:20:00.000+08:00

my goodness. u know what? the 6 of us had our FIRST EVER CONFERENCE CALL!!! im a really happy girl now. :) i love my girlfriends.

and today i got to catch up with 2 lovely lovely friends too! ashley and pearl. yes. the cute duo! im really glad i've got them. or else cj will be a serious living hell.

oh gosh. speaking of which. school's gonna start in.. 4 days time! freak out. damn it. argh.

and my phone's whacked. and it's under service. so now im using this really hard to manage phone which sony ericsson kindly loaned me (i must say they have very good service) but oh well. friday's coming! and im getting my phone back.

alright. i really should go eat my medicine now. still sick i am.. though i do feel really hyped. goodness. what's wrong with me..

ciao.

2005-12-27T00:38:00.000+08:00

i'm down with a flu. tragic.. i can't even enjoy the rest of my holiday without having to rub my nose with a piece of moist tissue paper and making it raw and sore. alright. a bit too graphic there. but yes. tragic.. and on top of that, im shedding (yes like you tanny!). i can hear "crisp crisp crisp" everytime i scratch my back. flakes and flakes of dry, dead, decaying skin. damn the sunburn. but at least i have a good tan! thanks to tanny's suntan lotion. :)

moving on, i stayed at home the whole of today. sick pale girl i am.. (sab's favourite line) but i managed to make some earrings and necklace. i'm kinda worried about Tzarist next year. especially when it's gonna be my j2 year. hectic and stressful, as many would say.. i am totally dreading it. considering how i have already completely forgotten what i have learnt in the past 2005. i really need to save the last 2 days of the year to recap what i've learnt. and being in a good class ain't helping at all. yes. i think it's time to get a stressball.

anyhoo, i was pensively sitting by my window and i recollected some memories. they weren't exactly sad memories, but they left me nostalgic. and i had a revelation. memories are so important to me. people may choose to forget painful ones. but i would keep 'em all. 'cos as days go by, i see myself changing, likewise the people around me. we become more solitary gradually. closing into ourselves, we drift away from each other.. and as this cold ice wall close in on us, memories is the furnace burning behind these walls. to me, memories is what keeps me alive. it warms me so.. lets me remember to have compassion again.. mmm.

and you know what i realise? i realise im a visual person you know? my thoughts always come along with pictures, graphics, illustrations.. i really do picture 'em in my mind as i process my thoughts, and even typing right now. so maybe i am dramatic with my words, but i really do picture them! exactly how i describe it. so it isn't really drama mama is it..? oh well, shrugs.

oh yes! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! a lil late, but what the heck. is the season of love. :)

ciao.

2005-12-24T02:20:00.000+08:00

i went to cut my hair today. and the hair stylist was my friend's girlfriend. she did an amazing job and i am totally in love with my hair. but the important part of my story is, how my friend smiled so proudly when i showed her my new hair cut later during the day. she looked so proud of her girlfriend. and that smile.. my goodness. i could feel her love and respect for her partner right there and then. and it got me thinking, one of the most beautiful feeling in a relationship is to be proud of your partner. having to see her or him succeed is priceless..

being in love brings about so many lovely feelings. and yet at the same time, brings you so much sorrow. but i guess things always have ups and downs, good and bad.. its just have you perceive your life. half cup full? or half cup empty..

alright. just food for thought.

ciao.

2005-12-17T13:27:00.000+08:00

today marks the first day of my holiday. :) im happy beyond words to describe! i finally finished my internship in DBS yesterday. and thank goodness the presentation turned out well. (we were presenting to the heads in DBS. kinda freaky..) so yes. i really do hope serr can clinch an internship in Ogilvry. it will be way cool..

so anyway! tzarist is up and kicking, i have no more work, the bintan trip with the girls is confirmed, everything's going so well! :) like finally i feel so free and happy. i can't wait to go on the trip with the girls. can't wait to spend happy times with them. thinking of how we'll become closer just makes me smile.. :) i really hope we'll enjoy ourselves during the trip. no quarrels, no injuries, and lastly, please don't let me have my period! -crosses fingers..

tomorrow night, i'm gonna invite some good old friends to come over to have steamboat. to launch the opening of www.tzarist.com :) yes it's a bit exaggerating to call it a launch, but hell is it gonna be a celebration! i really got to thank mike and peis for doing the website. it is simply gorgeous. mmm! today's gonna be a happy day! :)

ciao.

2005-12-15T01:49:00.000+08:00

peis and i have finally got our website up. our pride and joy. :) i really have no words to describe how happy i feel now. but please do visit our website and make us happier. even just a simple comment like "i think your stuffs are really nice." will make our day. (if that can even happen now cos im so happy. :):)) but of course it'll be the best if you can purchase one of our works. :)

please do click here. TZARIST

2005-12-13T00:35:00.000+08:00

alright! pictures time!

that is the view from my new house's roof-top! spectacular isn't it? i really can't wait to design my own room. really can't wait.. :) -rubs hands with glee..

and THAT is Woon Hung!! yes i took a picture with her. :P i was just so amazed to see her in Closet Affairs. :D love that designer. love. (and goodness i look like crap)

karina is so gonna kill me for this. haha! but that is her sorting out the pretzels for our.. hmmm.. i think i better leave this detail out, or else she'll REALLY kill me. :D but we had loads of
laughter that day. :)

more pictures!

me looking retarded as usual...

alright. i think that's quite enough of random photos. :)

today was a great day. :)

ciao.

2005-12-11T01:33:00.000+08:00

"don't take too long to say i love you to the ones you love
'cos time has a habit of slipping away
and out on a clear blue sky
when lightning strikes on a sunny day
just take me in and keep me from the rain

and the words that seem so hard to say
come out when you've gone away
just stay a little while and hear me say

that i want you here tonight
and i need you by my side
for just one more moment
for just one more moment
with you..

turn away to say goodbye with each and every word that passes by like a distant memory
and time keeps slipping away
and time will turn to gray
and time will be the one who will hold you down

and the words that seem so hard to say
come out when you've gone away
so stay a little while
and hear me say..

that i want you here tonight
and i need you by my side
for just one more moment
for just one more moment
with you..

sometimes time will treat you bad
before you even know what's wrong
in the end it hits you hard
please tell me you'll be strong.."

sab sent me this song. One More Moment by Sean N Levan. apparently this is a demo song. so it doesn't really exist as a record. she chanced upon it while downloading some other song..
i really like it. maybe 'cos of the simple strumming of the guitar, or maybe cos of the realistic lyrics, or maybe it's just how the singer sings it with such truth. mmm. really nice song.

and another song that i must mention is Diary by Bread. yes yes, its another song sab introduced. (there's your credit sab) and i must agree with her its such a sad song. when i heard the last part of the song, my heart sank like the titanic.. goodness. let me just share it here..

"I found her diary underneath a tree.
and started reading about me
The words she'd written took me by surpise
you'd never read them in her eyes.
They said that she had found the love she'd waited for.
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.

When she confronted with the writing there,
simply pretended not to care.
I passed it off as just in keeping with
her total disconcerting air
and though she tried to hide
the love that she denied,
wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.

And as I go through my life, I will give to her my wife
all the sweet things I can find.
I found her diary underneath a tree.
and started reading about me.
The words began to stick and tears to flow.
Her meaning now was clear to see.
The love she'd waited for was someone else not me
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.

and as I go through my life, I will wish for her his wife
all the sweet things she can find
all the sweet things they can find .."

=/

2005-12-11T01:13:00.000+08:00

i never ever wanna work in shenton way when i grow older. no way. corporate careers ain't my thing. the boring outfits, the mundane days.. i feel i age faster as i work day after day in DBS. goodness. i don't wanna become old and wrinkly! and i already have a wrinkle under my eye. i think. it looks like one.. but yeah. the creative industry is where i belong. but besides the mundane days in shenton way, i've had one great great great day on friday. that's right. dance. :) how it sets me free..

you know, sometimes its so strange how two persons differ. in regard to a strong and weak individual. strong in a sense that he is full of pride and posseses undestructable beliefs and principles and will and a really strong mentality. weak in a sense that he is easily swayed, and soft-hearted and a push-over and just unable to stand up for his own beliefs and rights. which is of a better nature do you think? a person may say he'll never let down his pride to do something he deems a show of weakness, but really, is it all that bad to let down your pride sometimes? a person may say there is no need to believe in other people's beliefs, but is it all that bad to try to understand? on the other hand, why can't one stand for himself and be strong in what he believes? why does he have to be so unsure of himself all the time? i guess everything has to be done in moderation. a good balance of both characteristics is the best. but most people just fall to either extremes. cos if there was any one person who possess an exact equal balance of both, that person must be perfect. and nobody is ever perfect. bah.. just a random thought. 'cos i think i fall into the weak category. and i don't think it's doing me any good. but sometimes when i tell myself to be stronger, i feel i'll lose my compassion. somehow, being strong to me is so scary sometimes.. it makes you so cold, so harsh.. but it's all about choice huh. it's alway all about choice. you choose how you want to be. you choose how you should feel. you choose your destiny. mmm.

i guess i chose to let myself get the better of me. to let my heart lead my mind. tt's why im so easily swayed all the time. when can i have a better control of my emotions.. rhetorical question i know. cos we all know i'll be dead by the time i can do that. hmmm. oh god. i really have to be stronger. snap out of it michelle..

ciao.

2005-12-05T00:48:00.000+08:00

everything's crashing down.. my head's spinning from all the thoughts running through my head. everything's going from right to wrong.. my frustrations engulfing me.. getting the better hold of me. and now i can't even dance for passion, freedom.. im bound.. inside. and outside.. somebody help me please..

2005-12-04T20:59:00.000+08:00

Hong Kong was lovely. :) for the first time in my life have i won SO much money from mahjong. seriously. i won't say how much. but yes, its 3 digits. sing dollars. freak out. my luck was never better. haha.. but i didn't win all the time. but that was my net profit. :) so of course i splurged the money on some retail therapy. my aunts brought me to MongKok. haven't been there for a long time. and that place is just like a larger and much better and funkier and way cooler version of far east. so can you imagine..? my eyes were so busy darting from all directions! Hong Kong locals can goddamn dress. individualistic, fashionable, and not ah-lian-ish. cool beyond cool.. love all their hairstyles, clothes, bags, image.. its so full of diversity! very much different from good old singapore. oh well..

you know, some songs just have an effect on you? i hate it when that certain effect doesn't leave a good mark. instead a queer nostalgic mood.. leaves you hanging there, tightened heart.. bah. just like that long long ago song "Crazy for this girl" by Evan and Jaron. i still remember this person dedicated it to me when i was in primary? or was it lower secondary.. haha! i can't remember. (sab! do you remember?) but yeah.. and everytime i hear that song, my heart will just tighten and my thoughts will rewind back to those younger days. silly ain't it.. i thought it was really sweet of him and all. and he was just a stranger to me! ok. i shall not go to the details.. but yeah. and this kinda thing still happens now.. some songs just leave a mark.. The New Pornographers are good by the way! should check them out. :)

so anyway! its gonna be a new year soon. and boy do i see loads ahead of me. but i'll brave the stormy weathers, and become stronger after each one passes by. i am a strong girl. even if im still shaky now, i know i will be. i know it. i must be..

ciao.

2005-12-01T01:51:00.000+08:00

i finally took a day off on tuesday and just did what i wanted to do for a long time, relax. life's been so hectic, i can't even breathe sometimes. not only was i tied down by work, my emotions have been on a roller-coaster ride. but anyhow, i enjoyed tuesday alot alot..

i got to sleep in until 12 plus, which seems really rare nowadays. got changed and went to meet sab for lunch. we finally got to go to secret recipe to eat the free cakes sab got us. (haha! we sound damn cheapo here sab. :P) but nonetheless, it was yum yum. :) then off sab went, to hurry back to work. and then down i went, to chinatown. :) let me say, that trip was way overdued. have been wanting to just let my creativity run wild and make earrings and necklaces for so so so long.. i was so glad i could shop alone for beads and all the pretty things. have i mentioned i really like shopping alone sometimes? in fact, i really like roaming on the streets alone sometimes. but of course, it'll be great to have crazy and fun-loving shoppers with me too. so anyway, shopping is a the most therapeutic activity ever. while i was shopping, all my worries and troubles disappeared. n i was really glad, cos i have too much on my mind lately. so there goes, another 50 dollars invested on my jewellery making. its an addiction i tell you. the cost just keeps rising, while the profits.. well, slow and steady.

after that, i met up with serr, peis and char. popped by closet affairs to visit pearl, and guess who i saw?! Woon Hung. yes. those who know me well will know this.. she is my all-time favourite, most admirable, most inspirational, one and only idol. she does the most amazingly beautiful jewellery. well, for me at least. i love her style. and so, you can imagine how shocked i was to see her there. and even to talk her! i blushed like crazy, and i seriously felt my face getting hot. 'cos i was still so oblivious that she was Woon Hung herself when we were talking about jewellery making n all?! and coincidentally, i was wearing one of her creations, and for your information, i don't usually wear it out, and goodness. there was her ring, and there was her! right in front of me! besides her talent, she's a really amiable person. she's really supportive of upcoming designers like Ade. and she was really interested in seeing what peis and i have in store! so yes, i got her number. :):):) and hope she and i can get to know each other better. :)

i have to say, that part of the day was really the pinnacle of my wonderful holiday. and back home i went, and made many new creations. :) please do check them out here or link from collections at the sidebar. i really need feedbacks! so please feel free to go take a look.

forward to today.. dance was horrible. i knew i didn't perform my best. i kept forgetting steps and all. weijie said ryan more or less chose who's in the competition group. but somehow i still feel uneasy.. i know i can do much better. maybe it was hunger.. or plain lethargy.. i'm really looking forward to my trip to Hong Kong. my flight's tomorrow morning, so yeah.. won't be updating anytime soon until sunday probably? i just can't wait to see my mum. i miss her so..

alright. hope the trip to Hong Kong will do me good. i really need to get away from here for now. need this break desperately.. everything's gonna be alright. :)

ciao.

2005-11-28T12:03:00.000+08:00

Fluid's party was out of the norm i must say. just one night, and i can feel so many emotions. but oh well. nonetheless, i enjoyed myself. dancing really ease my mind..

did i mention i love Rachael Yamagata?

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out along and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

2005-11-24T17:33:00.000+08:00

dance was great as usual. :) though ryan (our instructor) was pretty pissed off with our standard. 'cos according to him, we stand no chance in competing in DanceWorks. but i really hope he'll allow us to participate. i know i really want to..

that aside, from today onwards, my schedule's like packed packed packed. and it is so packed mainly because i have to work. seriously.. i'm only 17 for crying out loud! i have the rest of my life to work after i graduate from University. why the hell torture myself. bah.. if it weren't for my dad, i would not have even laid one toe into the office. tsk.. i just got a notice from my dad that i have to work until next tuesday. and mind you, i have been working for 2 weeks already. (ok not exactly 2 weeks. but after this week it will be!) and then wednesday, i'll be having dance. (thank god for that) and then i'll be flying off to Hong Kong. (thank god for that too.) but the worst thing is that i have to come back by Sunday so that i can go for work on Monday in DBS. argh.. just thinking about it makes me grouchy. the DBS internship is like for 2 full weeks. blimey. i can do so many more other things during that 2 weeks! the only thing i'm looking forward to is Sarah's return from America. and our lil getaway in Bintan with the girls. :) did i mention i love my friends? well yes, i love them so much. :)

so anyway, you can most probably guess i'm dying out of boredom that's why i'm typing an entry during office hours. i can't wait to knock off.. gonna try the authentic-cosy-tiny japanese restaurant in far east. :)

ciao.

2005-11-22T10:46:00.000+08:00

lotsa things have been happening.
yet it seems like nothing has at all.

here i sit in the office, cutting and pasting, with the song "Deep and Meaningless" by Rooster playing in my iPod, my mind can't help but run..

funny thing this is, fate. you often hear people say "It's fated. Wah.. Damn fated lah!" what exactly is it? is it fate that had decided for me to end a long and loving relationship? is it fate that brought new people into my life? is it fate that my feelings are morphing..? i'm really confused myself. i feel i live in 2 worlds at the same time- the past and the future. now who said it can't be possilbe huh. i can feel my past haunting me. it may be troubling, but yet i feel warm and this certain familiarity that's like no other.. when i look into the future, it is so very enticing and refreshing. but yet, uncertain..

but then again, can i point at fate and say it was his fault that caused such confusion in my life? i guess it all boils down to my own choice too. but choosing the future, is it really for the better..? i'm so unsure about myself, i think im going mad. but i guess i've made my decision. and my feelings tell me to give it a shot. im just really afraid of hurting people again.. especially those who are special in my life.

alright. i better be back to working..

ciao.

2005-11-18T15:20:00.000+08:00

i wanted to blog 2 days ago, after having a great day on wednesday. it was probably one of my happiest days after a really long time. but i guess this is life huh. bad things just happen so fast. ive nearly forgotten how happy it feels on wednesday. when reality crashes in, i came to see all the negative pictures around me once more..

i'm not sure if i'm really upset. or maybe because i'm so used to all these pictures around me, i cry no more when i look at 'em. sometimes i wonder if i really do have brothers. what exactly is a brother? sibling? kin? it feels more like a person who lives under the same roof as you. it doesn't even feel like having a room-mate. 'cos no room-mate will coop himself in his own room the whole day. i'm not sad really. nor do i pity myself. i'm just looking at myself, judging my life and the people around me who i suppose is family. i have another brother. oh yes he is quite successful. i am really proud of him. but should i even call him brother? he's more like an aquaintance to me. when i was born, and was a toddler, i saw little of him. when i grew older, a tender age, i have already felt like the only child. he was in america when i was 1 years old. thinking back, i think the amount of converations we had only accumulates to hmmm.. 3 years?

it doesn't really matter actually. 'cos i do feel like the only child for a long long time. my brothers are just, well, "family". but little do they know, i used to admire them. really i did. and maybe deep down, i still do. i think sheldon's a great role model sometimes. 'cos he's so independent. and he went to america at the age of 15 all by himself, and he turned out so well. got his job in Blue Sky himself and is doing really well as an animator. i'm so proud of him. when Robots came out, i'm sure my friends will know how much i had gushed about it. he is so very capable..

derick's talented with music. since young, whatever i listened to was due to his influence. jazz.. rock.. funk.. my interest in good music was also inspired by him. i think he's really really cool. having all the equiments and a degree in Music Production. no matter how screwed up he is, i really admire his passion for music.

i wished i had such passion and direction like my brothers. i always wished i could be as cool as them. when i was younger, i remeber they came back with all sorts of colour dyed hair, body piercing, funky clothes.. even the idea of going overseas was influenced by them. since young, i knew i will definitely wanna go overseas, just like my brothers.

whenever they came back from america, i would be so happy. i still keep all the gifts they gave me. and i would treasure it so much. i used to always knock on their door, and be the irritating lil nosey younger sister. i would pop my head in and see what they're doing. and i will just sit in their room just looking at them talk to each other or their friends. or watch them jam with each other (sheldon- electronic guitar, derick- bass) and i will sing ignorantly (in other words: out of tune) and loudly, like a silly girl.

but those are just pieces of memories.. it won't happen now. not anymore.

but its alright. i have my memories to keep me going. eventually, everyone will find they only have himself to depend on. so it's only a sooner or later thing. i suppose.. i should count my blessings. treasure what i have. and what i have, is a loving mother. no matter how irritating or unreasonable she may be, i love her. so much. and i really hope she knows that.

ciao.

2005-11-13T23:54:00.000+08:00

these few days have been tiring for me. physically, mentally, emotionally.. name it all. but there's one thing i am definitely looking forward to.

dance.

gonna have dance this wednesday. whether it'll be a good session or not, i don't know. but at least there's something for me to look forward to. or perhaps, even better, i can dance in my own sanctuary again.. i need to be free. free from worries, troubles.. and dancing can quench this thirst for freedom. but the saddest part is, im tired.. lethargy overwhelms me. don't you think its sad..? its as though the remedy is right before my eyes, but its intangible, untouchable.

i wanna be alone. the human brain is simply too complicated for its own good. and to avoid any further complications, its best to be solitary. i guess that's the only way..

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance..

2005-11-10T13:56:00.000+08:00

alright. so i haven't been updating for the past few days. many things have happened. but firstly, i wanna send my regards to our dearest classmate Rachel who has met with a car accident. i just came back from visting her in Tan Tock Seng Hospital. she's much better now ever since the accident on Monday morning. she was hit by a motorist while crossing the road. thank goodness its nothing fatal. however, she still has fractures here and there, and she has to go for an operation. we will all pray for a speedy recovery for her. i really hope she'll be able to stand on her two feet without feeling giddy soon.

the next darnest thing is that my first pair of custom-made earrings for this particular customer got stolen. can you believe it? i mean, who would want to steal a pair of dolphin earrings?! that postman must be gay or something. and i just can't help feeling bad about it. it is like my first custom-made pair. and it just has to get stolen. ugh.. i curse that postman till death. but anyway, i decided to make it up to her. 'cos this girl has been nothing but sweet and endearing. she was really excited to recieve the earrings, and she respected my ideas and everything.. so yes. i just posted another pair of earrings for her today. i hope she likes it.. i feel so terribly bad for the lost earrings..

alright. lastly, i have been spending alot of time with my friends! and i'm really glad. :) been helping tanny with chemistry. she said the paper was fine. which is a good thing. considering how unprepared she was. so yeah! i hope she does well for her Os. then she can have an enjoyable 4 months holiday. :) which reminds me, my friends and i still haven't decided where to go for our holiday together! it's our first trip together. just thinking about it gets me all excited inside. :) we planned to go to Hong Kong. but due to some financial problems.. we decided its not wise to spend our money this year, but save it up for next year after our As instead! so we decided to go somewhere closer to home. malaysia probably.. if only i can convince my parents that its not THAT dangerous.. bah. i really hope we can all go for a trip together this year.. bintan maybe? :) karina's so not up for that idea..

man has this been a long entry! alright. enough rambling already.

ciao.

2005-11-05T22:46:00.000+08:00

these few days have been quite different.. i can't put my finger to it. but it sure is different.. my emotions have been like a tornado- spinning round and round, till i lose control of it.. i think i'm in one of my moods again. where dark clouds hover above me. and my visions blurred by uncertainties, insecurities.. i've been feeling cold easily. i quiver inside. i become numb inside. maybe it's because of my lousy appetite recently. or maybe i just lost the fire within me. exactly why do i feel this way? i can't really pinpoint the reason why..

maybe i'm a girl,
and maybe i'm a lonely girl
whose in a middle of something.
that she doesn't really understand.

maybe i'm a girl,
maybe you're the only man who could ever help me.
baby won't you help me understand?

ciao

2005-11-01T15:04:00.000+08:00

yesterday's chinese paper was one hell of a screwed up one. kept dozing off and all. i shall just pray hard i pass and get rid of chinese next year. oh please please please please let me pass..

alright. that aside.. i finally went for my class outing last night! it was alright.. watched alot of movies. ms lim and mrs koh came! mrs koh brought her super duper cute son along- ryan. he's really so cute! and he remembers me! he even let me bao-bao him.. :) yes i can see myself as a great mother! not.. haha. but he was really adorable.. :) kids are just so cute.

anyway, i was just wondering.. why is when i hear the leaves rustle in the wind, do i feel so empty..

ciao.

2005-10-30T01:36:00.000+08:00

my heart is sinking.. into nostalgia.

That is the famous red bridge in st nicks. And that is tricia, sarah, karina and myself in the picture. I miss everything.. The times when it was just carefree and simple. I really miss my days in st nicks.. No matter how much we drift apart, i will always have my friends in my heart. They mean so much to me. Although i may not say it all the time, I really treasure them. We're all changing, and growing apart is inevitable. But i know that even when i become old and wrinkly, i will look at these pictures and smile and tear, like now.. My friends have brought me so much joy and comfort. I can't imagine how my life would have been if i hadn't met them.

Karina, Sabrina, Sarah, Tanessa and Tricia, i love you all very very very much.

I miss the st nicks uniform..

2005-10-30T00:14:00.000+08:00

i finally met sabrina and karina yesterday, and today. i was really glad i could catch up with them. :) missed tanny and tricia. hope we can get together soon! but tanny should really be focusing on her studies now. hope she's coping fine..

i went out with class yesterday too! kinda my first official outing with the class. but not really either. considering i didn't spend alot of time with them. but it felt good. :) anyway, it will be the official on the 31st! alicia's having a bbq at her place and yes, i am going. :)

i made 4 pairs of earrings last night. and man was my eyes going crazy. they were so beady that i thought i was going blind.. but at least the end products were good. :) i really like this batch! but they don't look so good on photos.. argh. even earrings can be un-photogenic..

chinese AO paper is tomorrow! i reeeaaaaaaaalllllllyyyy hope i can pass! the girls and i were studying today and when i was flipping through my worksheets, boy was i scared i wouldn't pass. i can't imagine flipping through chinese materials next year! shudders..

alright. i really should go pack my room. i hate it being messy! yes yes.. i know.. i'm a neat freak. :P

ciao.

2005-10-26T19:59:00.000+08:00

i've gotten my new laptop!! its compaq presario 1818. its like A4 size? i loooovvveee my laptop. :) anyway, i've already chose to give the iPod video to my brother. so no more iPod nano for me. but its ok! i have a laptop! wohoo! :)

anyway, my dad was so irritating yesterday! he took ALL my earrings and sold them to his clients without telling me. but! it turned out pretty good. 'cos he didn't know the prices and so he just charged everyone for $20 even thought it's not so expensive. haha! so yeah! extra money for me! :) i should really start making new earrings soon. i gotta make aunty vera's one again. which is my BEST PAIR EVER! i'll let you take a peek here..! :)

i think i'll do another similar one to sell in Tzarist.com. mmm!

anyway i just realised the OA chinese paper is just in 4 days time! hope i get to meet the girls on saturday to study together. i'll dedicate this weekend for it man. i can't afford to take CLB next year! i will seriously kill myself if i have to do it. ok, maybe i shouldn't say such a thing. 'cos there's a very HIGH possibility that i might have to. considering how badly i've been doing for chinese this year. i've been getting C5 and C6! shame on myself.. especially when i got A2 for O's last year. haha. oh well!

i can't wait for the Oral Presentation for project work to quickly end. so that this stupid pw can just jolly well go and die!!! i hate it so much. tsk. alright! i shall make some earrings now. and yes, do my pw.. argh..

ciao.

2005-10-24T13:53:00.000+08:00

im having my chi lecture in lt 4 now. i cant believe i actually came. if its not for detention, i wld've escaped long ago! sigh.. i hafta go for tmr's 'sunset beach party' as dey called it. ugh. de school's so childish. even de punishments dey give r so childish. thinking of it jux makes my blood boil..

chinese is killing me.. i wanna do earrings..! sigh. somebody save me..

ciao.

fatigued

2005-10-23T00:43:00.000+08:00

i have no idea why i get tired so easily recently.. i do get enough sleep. well. it should be enough. but i still get so tired.. oh well. peis and i have finally purchased our domain! tzarist.com is finally up! but the template's still on the way. mike's doing a great job. and siping helped us lots too! we couldn't have done it without those 2.. so THANK YOU MIKE AND SIPING! :)

yesterday night was sure a first for me. i sneaked out of my house at 1.30am, to have supper with peis and serene. we ate the very famous and yummy chao hor fun near peis place! and as you know, those cockroachphobic 2 were screaming away when they walked through the blocks, i had to protect them from THREE humongous cockroaches near the lift to peis house. :D ok. i may sound so brave, but i wasn't brave enough to kill them. their feelers were SO LONG! they're practically as long as 2 chopsticks sticking out from their disgusting tiny heads. they were like feasting on this ice-cream wrapper on the floor.. ugh.. so anyway, i pressed the lift button and open the door for them to dash into the lift without having to see the cockroaches. haha! they're so funny i tell you. :D was suppose to make a pair of earrings in peis's house. but i ended up sleeping. you see, i have no idea why i'm so tired so easily..

i met max for lunch today! it was great having to catch up with him finally! after like so many donkey years.. :D ok i am exaggerating again. but yeah! it was good to see him. he's in OCS know?! that skinny boy is actually quite fit man! ok i should retrack my words. he's not a boy, and nor is he skinny.. hope he'll be fine doing his training in Brunei next week! i wish him all the best. :)

and yay! i think i'm gonna get my long-awaited laptop tomorrow! my dad told me he'll go with me to check 'em out. i really hope he'll get it for me tomorrow.. crosses fingers. oh, and i'm having a dilemma now. as i was suppose to get a free iPod nano 'cos my family has recently subscribed to a new broadband plan, SingNet is now offering an alternative - iPod Video. like oh my god.. it is so cool! they're offering the 30MB one for free. so now i don't know if i should get the nano or the video. moreover, if i do get the video one, i feel i should give it to my brother. 'cos i know he always wanted an iPod with a bigger capacity but has never gotten one 'cos he's fine with not having one too. but i on the other hand, already have an iPod mini and it's more than enough. so i should give the iPod video to him right? oohhh.. but the iPod nano's just so nice too.. sheesh.

alright, it's getting late. and i'm getting tired, again.

ciao.

2005-10-20T11:23:00.000+08:00

alright. i'm suppose to be doing my PW now. but my efficient and productive group has finished our written report! hurray! :) so i'm slacking in the library now. anyway, i just summed up all the sales, and i have officially sold 3 pairs of earrings! not bad i must say, considering the tight budgest most people have in sgselltrade. yupp! i'm really glad. :) gonna meet up with the buyer later to pass her her earrings. (Heart of Pearl)

yesterday was pretty fun with the noisy and yes vulgar cath high boys. we played mahjong at cedric's place. i was really quite lucky yesterday! 'cos usually, i don't get so lucky when playing with the girls. but boy do those boys play big. they include "bao", which means the loser who gave the card for the winner to win must pay for himself and the other 2 players! ain't that big?! i was pretty scared playing with them. but things turn out to be in my advantage yesterday. :D i actually made gerard bao-ed for everyone. :D but anyway, i only played one round. rushed home after that to eat dinner with my family. derick and joanne (his gf) were eating at home too. and joanne bought one of my earrings! :) my brother's really keen on helping me promote 'em. which i think is really sweet of him :)

alright. i beta go now. oh! going over to peis house later to settle some ebay stuffs and she's gonna help me get ibanking! :) alright. till the next entry.

ciao.

2005-10-19T01:14:00.000+08:00

today was great. :) had our last PE lesson for the year, and surprisingly i had fun! we played ultimate frisbee/monkey. i think i was really screaming like a mad women though. :P i finally finished my written report too! which is really a huge burden taken away. you should know by now how much i abhore PW. it is really so very dreadful..

the best news of all is that the sale of my earrings is actually turning out to be very good! well, very good to me. 'cos i didn't expect much. but surprisingly it turned out well! i have already sold a pair. and a few others are pending. isn't that great news?! (peis! isnt it?!?!?! :D) i can't wait for Tzarist.com to come about. then we might be able to make it big! :) okok. -pulls myself back down to Earth. slow and steady michelle.. slow and steady..

so anyway, i was thinking of watching deuce bigalow, the new england one. ('cos i downloaded it for a friend) but then again, these kinda movies are kinda waste of time.. firstly, it's all women's breasts. secondly, it's all about sex. thirdly, it's all about sex. forthly, it's all about sex. and well lastly, it's all about sex. i know it appeals to the masses and i must admit it can be funny sometimes. but why oh why (do you wanna say goodbye :P) must sex always be integrated into comical movies to really make it.. well. comical. what happened to dark humour? like works of Tim Burton. ok. maybe i should shut my mouth right now, since i'm not exactly the right person to give such comments 'cos my knowledge of dark humour ain't that deep either. but oh well, just felt like sharing. :) maybe i'll watch deuce bigalow when i have less things to do. right now, i just have too many things to handle. not forgetting, AO chinese levels is just next next monday! dang! how i hate chinese. i had a C5 for promos. pfft..

ciao.

2005-10-18T00:25:00.000+08:00

alright. i just made another 2 pairs of earrings today! and i'm officially gonna sell it in sgselltrade (a livejournal community) freak out. i have a feeling the response won't be too good since most of 'em are students. but oh wells! i'll just give it a shot. anyway, we're still in the process of making the website. so maybe i can just sell it in livejournal first. wish me luck! :) oh! but if any of you out there who linked to my livejournal from my blog and wish to purchase my earrings. feel free to do so! :)

anyway, i got back my chemistry and physics today. not too bad i guess.. i'm happy with 'em. since i expected worst. okok. i really have no time to blog now! 'cos its so late and i have so many things to do! alrighty. shall update again tmr. i need to reply valen too!

ciao.

2005-10-16T18:32:00.000+08:00

i made 3 pairs of earrings today! yipee! :) and i have decided to put the link at the side below my gbk for those who wanna check it out. i quoted the prices there. and if you're interested, just email me! or call me if you know my number. and for those who knows about Tzarist.com, sorry u guys. the website won't be up so soon! i'm not sure when it'll be done. but i'll notify u guys and i'll write here in my blog! so yeah.. anyway, please do sign my gbk and give me comments after viewing the earrings that i've made alright? i really need feedback. so please please please drop me a note if you do see the earrings. thanks! :)

alright. besides earrings.. i just ate this SUPER DUPER WOOPER MOOPER nice chocolate from Japan called Royce. my mum's friend bought it for me, so i don't have a clue whether she got it locally or Japan itself. so yeah.. but! its super super super nice! ok. let me begin describing it (although i know my vocabulary is really limited and i can't really describe very well, hope you can imagine it! and if you can't too bad! :D)

alright. firstly, it comes in this aluminium spongey bag with this packet of cool liquid, which works like dry ice just that it doesn't sting your fingers. then you'll see a box wrapped with blue paper and the word Royce on it. after unwrapping it, you'll find another identical blue-printed box. after which u open it, you'll find another plastic sealed box (this one's translucent) and ta da! you'll see cubes n cubes of chocolate placed in a nice square lattice. :) it looks just like cubes of cheese ya noe? there is even a lil fork in the box for you to pick the chocolate cubes up! seriously, don't you think the packaging's like.. woah?! so anyway, on to the taste of the chocolate. well, what can i say about such high standard chocolate? it is obviously HEAVENLY! to think Godiva was the best chocolate around. this Japanese brand is sure comparable to Godiva. it actually does feel like cheese. the texture is just right; soft enough for you to dive your teeth into the cube. the chocolate is dusted with cocoa powder, so it has this tinge of bitterness. it is just a piece heaven i say! :) well, for those who cannot picture what i'm talking about, here's their website. (+) after the introductory slide show, the "nama chocolate" is what i'm referring to right now. yes.. droooolllss... (one big puddle)

alright. i really have to go do my PW now. it sucks seriously. ugh.

ciao.

2005-10-15T23:47:00.000+08:00

today was one restless day. but! i finally met up with sean. unfortunately, max couldn't join us, 'cos he booked out late. pfft. but i think we'll meet next week. yupp! hanging out with sean was fun today. we roamed in town like beggars. (both of us were in shirt and shorts and basically crappy clothes. :D) i think both of us were so restless we were really going mad. but anyhoo, we still had fun. :)

so anyway! there were 2 persons yesterday whom i missed in the club, even though they were there, and i really can't believe i've missed them; david gan (gandi) and sean! tsk. oh wells. hope i can meet gandi soon too. sheesh. come to think of it. there are alot of people whom i wanna catch up with! sean and max.. gandi.. dinah, grace and nat.. angela (my ex tuition teacher) goodness. and i mustn't forget i have PW and chinese AO levels to juggle! hate the latter. hate chinese. tsk. actually i hate PW more. its really such a chore! can't stand it.

speaking of which. i really hope i do well for chinese. i can't afford to take CLB next yr! i wanna haf more time for more other subjects. considering how shittified my results are for promos. i got an E for economics. (and guess wad! economics starts with E!!! :P ok cold joke there) i shouldn't blame my tutor (one hella waste of money. that small girl doesn't even know her stuff. and she charges $450 for 4 pathetic lessons. she was a complete waste of money and time! fire away, she goes. for sure.) 'cos i should haf studied harder too. oh wells. i am not giving up! i'm holding on to it! i rather drop chemistry. yes.

alright. anw! here are the 6 pairs of earrings i have so far. (+) i haven't been making any. and i really should make more. oh wells.. i should start now!

ciao.

2005-10-15T04:07:00.000+08:00

i'm in tanny's house now!!!!!! went for Taboo. gosh. the crowd's just.. really extreme. i guess it's the whole AC culture. anyway, guess what we're going now in tanny's house?! we're watching METEOR GARDEN! tsk. this tanny's a lian lianzzzzzz... and karina's taking so long to bathe!! as usual. alright. i'm like talking nonsense. --restlessness. yes.

ciao.

2005-10-12T23:32:00.000+08:00

poof.. feeling damn tired now. spent the whole time after school doing our website. (so exciting peis! you must see the new layouts. they're super nice!) but it is still not complete. gotta do alot alot alot of frames.. according to mike. so yeah.. but.. i just wanna shout out..

THANKS SIPING AND MIKE!!! you two are like USA and Russia, joined together to become one damn powerful country ah!!! im so glad i have 2 pros helping me :D the layouts are really really nice. thank you thank you thank you! ;)

so anw, hope the website will be up by this weekend. which means, i gotta make more earrings! i have ideas in my head, but i just keep on running short of time to do 'em. i can't even decide if i should go for tomorrow's class outing at sentosa! although i think i really should go, 'cos i rarely bond with the class, i'm just so drained. i guess i'll decide later..

but! i'm gonna meet my friends tomorrow. wonder what we'll do.. but i guess we should hang out. it's been a while. yupp! most probably going to hong kong with those girls! :) hope this trip will be successful. it'll be fun going with friends. :) yes yes. mental note: disucss with the girls tomorrow.

so anyway, i was reading ELLE's november issue. and check this out.

"For firmer breasts, massage them in circular movements with a mixture of 2/3 lemon juice and 1/3 rum" -special beauty remedy from Quebec.
seriously, this is of no use to me. 'cos firmer breasts ain't wad i need. oh no no.

"Drink ginger tea to help with insomnia, mugwort tea to relieve cramps and dandelion tea for sore and swollen breasts." -special beauty remedy from Norway
alright, i get the first two.. but the last one? why would I wanna get rid of swollen breasts man?! i need 'em!!! :P

alright. and for some useful remedies..

"Mix tomato juice and lemon juice, and apply on your T-zone to combat oily skin" -Italy
now that's some useful information!

"Use egg yolk with a couple of drops of lemon as a hair conditioner to boost condition and shine" -Italy, Belgium, UK
oohh.. pantene-model here i come! :D

alright. gotta go settle my stocklists now.

ciao.

2005-10-12T00:16:00.000+08:00

alright! i have officially 6 pairs of earrings to sell! :) i really can't wait to start this little business. gonna settle the website template tomorrow with pei's boyfriend, mike. oooh! it is really very exciting. so far the template's just.. gorgeous! though i can't really say the same to my earrings. i still feel ive got so much to improve and learn.. but i hope ill get the knack of it soon!

so anyway, i didn't go to school for the past two days. i hope i won't get into trouble since i don't have an mc. which reminds me, i gotta type a letter. bah.. i just hope i don't hafta serve detention tomorrow since im meeting mike tomorrow after school. this sucks. CJ is just so freaking strict. it's really driving me nuts. its like other JCs don't even care if they attend school for only one hour for crying out loud. oh wells. i can only blame myself. since i chose to be in this school.

we're getting back our promo papers on the 18th! freak out. i really dont wanna get em back. especially chemistry. i know ive screwed up. BAD. im seriously not looking forward to my results.. oooohhh.. how dreadful..

so to end off! i hope and pray that my earrings are sell-able. i just wish people can just support me. it is really so important. mmm! crosses fingers..

ciao.

2005-10-10T23:42:00.000+08:00

i don't know what it is. maybe it is insecurity.
there's this uneasy feeling in me.
although i know there are people who love me dearly,
somehow, i just feel lonely inside..

life is just so unpredictable.
you never know what is the impact or effect your next words may cause.
every moment counts. and with every step,
things may just change.

it's just so scary.
this thing called "feelings"
it's everchanging, just like the tides.
we can be happy one moment, but miserable the next.

some things you thought will never change,
may just diverge right before your eyes.
some feelings you thought will remain the same,
may just turnaround with an unintentional word.

why can't people always be in the "up" moments?
why must there be "downs"?
if only happiness is the only feeling known to humans.
then life would be so wonderful..

2005-10-08T17:37:00.000+08:00

you know what? i'm SO pissed with myself. i had intended to revamp my layout and start blogging again, but no matter how i changed it, how i do this and do that to my blog, its never as nice as this one which siping did for me! what was i thinking really.. i should've known.. oh well.. it was worth a try. :)

anyhoo. i know i haven't been updating for the LONGEST time. yes yes. but it was 'cos i was so busy! :D well, yeah.. you know.. 'cos of promos and all. which is kinda screwed. 'cos ive been too distracted lately to concentrate on my studies. been trying a new hobby. and i hope things work out ;)

CJ had its first open house ever today! performed in the PAC :) my first time! and boy was it great. and of course, scary. the theatre's huuuugggeee.. and you can barely see anyone 'cos the spotlights are all directing to us, and its pitch black at the audience side. it's a pity that it was a rainy day today. or else our visitors could have enjoyed more! the live bands weren't able to perform at the quadrangle at all.

alright. nothing much to say to start off blogging again. but i will update soon! now back to my hobby :)

2005-08-03T18:16:00.000+08:00

i finally went for dance today! like after how many weeks i've missed.. it was pretty fun. it was only us J1s. and we played some silly games. was hoping we could dance. but nonetheless, i enjoyed myself. :) i went down to the tennis court after that, 'cos i wanted to see if my name was still in the list 'cos my friend said it was. but anyhoo, the coach was in a super strict mood, and when he saw me hit a few strokes on the spot, he just said matter-of-factly that i'm lousy and im not allowed to join. like, okay.. haha! but it doesn't really matter. 'cos it ain't no lost! i think one cca's enough to keep me super busy. moreover, promos are in.. (counts silently) 7 weeks time! freak out.

anw, i'm gonna start econs tuition on national day. it was really funny? 'cos the agent was like, "national day at 4pm can or not? can lah ha. then you won't miss national day celebration. it's at 6 something right? ya lah can lah." haha! alright. maybe im not much of a patriot and all, and so i found it pretty funny for him to say such stuffs. but he just sounded so.. "ah soh" even though he's a man! :D oh wells. hope the tutor's good and that it'll help me improve my econs. i'm kinda worried for the rest of my subjects though. hope i can cope fine.

alright. i better take a nap now, so i'll have energy to complete the written report for pw AND study for my math test tomorrow. sigh.. pw sucks. to the core of the core of the core of the core of the core. argh. and it's worse when you're the group leader. stupid MOE. i don't see how pw can benefit us seriously. oh! and Sciene Practical Assessment (SPA) too. sheesh.. alright. till the next entry.

ciao.

2005-07-31T22:49:00.000+08:00

alright! really quickly, 'cos i have tons of hmwk to do! friday was fun fun fun. watched Sin City and played tennis with serr! i must praise her for her improving tennis skills. kudos to u serr! :) (i think we should play more often yes?)

and on the next saturday morning, played tennis again with brendan and jj! thought i could thrash them, but obviously i had under-estimated them. jj's services are really good! he even shot and ace! and as for brendan, his returns are super strong. (tsk. he thinks he has alot of arm power.) hey! but i'm not lousy ok. i was just super tired from the previous night's game with serr. i had blisters and aching muscles all over! so yeah.. but we had balls of fun no doubt :)

then i met up with the girls to head for acsi's play The Bird. goodness. it was such a waste of money seriously. there was no plot! tsk. but anyhoo, i had a great time with my girls once again. :) we went to brewerkz to grab a bite and have a beer after the play. i'm glad ive got 'em. :) so quickly quickly, i shall upload some pictures we took that night!

cheers! :)

alright i just hafta put this picture up. 'cos i think sab and i look simply hilarious! :D

alright. i really hafta go do my work now. its been a great weekend. :) especially today's, sunday morning. :)

ciao.

2005-07-28T22:01:00.000+08:00

"a heaving heart is full of pain"

life is not perfect, i know. and sometimes when you try to make everything seem normal, it just becomes crazier. i try not to dwell on upsetting thoughts. but lately, it comes back to me over and over again, more and more times again. and it never fails to overwhelm me. and on this emotional roller-coaster ride, i realised im not a happy girl. it sucks having to try over n over again. being someone that you can't be. being the perfect daughter, lover, friend, student.. and worse of all, being that perfect person you desperately want to be. i feel i'm changing. changing into someone i don't know. i don't know much about myself anymore. i do things routinely everyday, just to make things seem normal, to make it seem like nothing has changed. i try to recall how i used to be like, to have friends whom i know so well around me all the time. i try to remember how i used to joke and laugh. and time and time again, i remind myself to be how i used to be. but things just turn out worse. im beginning to forget all these memories.. i can't seem to remember them the more i try. im losing everything.. even myself. and i don't think anyone can help me, other than myself. but where do i even begin..?

2005-07-26T19:00:00.000+08:00

alright i have to put up this picture so that you guys can understand why i call my dear physics teacher Mr Pinky. seriously. he is one hell of a Pinky. you know, Pinky and the Brain? (pinky and the brain, pinky and the brain. one is a genius, the other's insane! :D) he has the funniest facial expressions ever. EVER. he never fails to crack me up when he moves his pouted mouth in a circular motion when he disapprove of my behaviour in class. or when he points at a formula and goes "this one MUST KNOW. MUST KNOW." he says must know as if he only has 2 seconds left to live. he's really adorable. :D like today during our physics lecture? he wanted to demonstrate resonance by speaking loudly into the microphone and it will produce a echo-screehing-like kinda sound? so he shouted something into the microphone, really loudly, and there was no resonance. haha! how stupid really. but i like him. i think 'cos he's so silly. and he's not that bad of a teacher. maybe i should really try to listen to him during lessons for a change. oh wells.

anyway, took some pictures in school with my classmates! my first time posting my cj class photos. (now you know who i'm talking abt girls!)

wuyuan, leo, (hidden black shit), me and brendan. (i look funny. but oh heck)

i have to put this up. GOMEZ! YOU HAVE A HUMONGOUS NOSE. :D

my dear friends. :)

ken looks funny.. but yes. gomez. don and ken. (sitting in between them now)

2005-07-24T22:45:00.000+08:00

wohoo! ive got my new phone! yes. the final verdict is.. k750i! the super duper cool phone. :D well of course its becos i'm using it.. :D JUST KIDDING. the phone's darn cool. the camera's just amazing. and the sliding feature is just.. so cool! :D alright. i better stop coo-coo-ling here and there. i just love my phone. so sabrina and tanny, don't give me that roll-eyes face! hmph!

anyhoo, i had a great time yesterday apart from the parents-teacher-meeting. as expected, my parents aren't happy with my results and they reprimanded like mad in the car. but i guess they're not that pissed off 'cos they came to an understanding that my mid-yrs are only 20% of my promotional exam. (thank god..) but they're forcing me to take up tuition. sigh.. anw, let's not dwell on unhappy thoughts. so yesterday, sabrina and tanny met up with me at paragon after i bought my lovely phone, yes. :) went shopping for a while. and to my utmost horror! Miss Sixty and Diesel are both on sale! and i didn't even know! outrageous i tell you. but at least it wasn't too late for me to grab a few worthy deals. bought a yellow t-shirt from diesel which was 50% off. so it was darn worth it. and the best of all, i spotted a cap that makes me go.. "ooohhh!! aaahhh! i have to have it!" :D so of course, i had to have it, and so i bought it. it's from Armani Exchange. it wasn't on discount. but oh heck! i love it. :) it's white. and i love white caps. it's just lovely.

soon after, we headed back to my place, ate dinner and watched Harold and Kumar. it was funny.. but not THAT funny like how gomez and brendan said it was. it's just super lame. you know.. those kinda movies with tit-sies boob-ies showing here and there. i guess that's the only reason that tickled those boys. :P after hanging around a lil bit more, the girls left.

fast forward to today.. i ate at The Line finally! the most-talked-about buffet in town. now i see why it's so great and well, expensive. there were TONS AND TONS OF FOOD. all sorts. all colours. all kind. all taste. all flavour. all aroma. ALL EVERYTHING! i was so amazed by all the variety. and i must applaud to the design of the restaurant. their cutleries and layout are all so well-matched. even the floor were stripes of black, gray and white marble. (you know.. the Line?) and of course, being the piggy me, i stuffed myself with as much food as possible! :D but we went a little late and the buffet was closing and i couldn't try all the food. so i quickly jumped to the deserts section and took almost all the cups of deserts and the marshmallow and strawberry fondue! :D i sound so piggy.. but yes it's true. :D i love those chocolate filled sweet sweet sugar. ooohhh.. heavenly. :)

so anw, i've managed to download Sin City! can't wait to watch it. but i gotta wait for that silly girl to come over and watch with me. tsk tsk. but anw, i should do my work before i watch it. yes. be a sensible. sensible that's me! :D and now Ms Sensible (me) shall go do a sensible thing and do my work sensibly now! (i think im on a sugar overload..)

ciao.

2005-07-23T00:04:00.000+08:00

brewerkz.

click it! it'll bring you to their website. :) went there to eat dinner tonight. superb beer! first time have i ever enjoyed beer. i forgot wad's it called. but it was a popular one. so i decided to go for it! the food was good too! tried the mussels? my goodness.. the sauce was just perfect! it had a lil beer in it, and it was a lil cheesy. it was just magnificanto with the mussels. smacks lips! and the best part is, it is darn worth the money. it costs only 14 bucks if im not wrong? for a whole bowl of mussels you know! it's really very worth it. :) go try it out u guys! if i'm not wrong, it has been rated to be better than Lawry's!

anw, i'm gonna sign up for this CSI thing with my schoolmates. i hope it's fun man.. hearing from the sound of it. it's a programme held by singapore's police force? it's some kinda scholarship programme. just like the temasek seminar i guess. but a smaller scale one. anyhoo, i thought it sounded quite fun. you know.. investigating mock crimes and all. and we'll be introduced to forensic science and all to investigate? sounds fun to me! :D forensic science had always interested me. but oh wells, i'm not exactly an academic person though, so impossible to pursue that. but maybe this exposure will change my mind? hmmm.. imagine me, black leather coat, black gloves, holding the tweezer-look-alike thingy, poking at a dead mortified body.. haha! what am i thinking? it is so not me.. :D but nonetheless, i find forensic science interesting. hope my group gets chosen! since each JC is allowed to send 6 students only. shall update the results!

anw, saddening news! parents-teacher-meeting is here once again.. tomorrow in face. hope my dad can't make it, so only my mum and i will go. at least i don't have to deal with my dad's constant pressure in front of my home tutor. i hope my mum will understand that my (C,C,C,C,C,E) results are alright. haha. i still find it amusing that i have so many Cs. but anyhoo! i'm striving to get As and Bs man! 'cos im a fighter! fight fight fight! :P okay okay. enough crap. :D shall go watch Harnold and Kumar now.

ciao.

2005-07-19T00:56:00.000+08:00

ok. dinah, grace and charlene took quite a while to recognise me.. DOES MY HAIR MAKE SUCH A HUGE DIFFERENCE?!! im really quite appalled by their reactions. i mean.. i did prepare myself to see them react quite negatively, but not to the extend where they had to take some time to RECOGNISE me. tsk. outrageous! i shall just call myself Ms. Fugly from now on. and i bet it'll please some "tall dark and handsome" piece of shit if he gets to read this. :D but anw, although i don't mind calling myself that, i still like my new hair cut. :) i like the change. i have no idea why. especially when i know it doesn't really flatter me. but i really do like it. not that i love it. i just have this funny feeling for it. and it's something nice.. :) oh wells! i better turn to my work once again. all the projects, all that homework, all that harry potter i want to read! goodness gracious me. if only i have a time-turner.. -dreams.. alright. snap out of your magical world michelle. alrighty. time to go!

ciao.

2005-07-17T22:45:00.000+08:00

oh my.. it's been more than a week since i've last posted! alright. many things happened in between obviously. it has been one of my busiest week since i had to rush my tagline competition by wednesday, which was when the pre-temasek seminar workshop was held. it was pretty fun actually. the officers were really friendly. unfortunately, after all our efforts, we didn't make it to top five for the tagline competition. what a bummer. especially when we kinda expected that we will get into top five. but oh wells, as what tanny would say "shit happens" :D

and yes, i have gotten back my dreadful mid-year results. let me just say it quickly so i can get it off my chest. Cs for math, physics, chem, gp and chinese. and my only O for econs. i really have no comments on how i'd faired for my exams. although i was kinda disappointed and well, upset, i've pretty much gotten over it and consoled myself that it isn't too bad. :) but i definitely have to get an econs tutor. yes. but anyhoo, kudos to brendan! for doing fairly well for the exams! i'm happy for him. same to eunice, who has THREE As. yes. and you think it is impossible. man.. that girl is one hell of a genius. "respect respect" :D

and on to a lighter note, IT WAS TANNY'S BIRTHDAY ON 15TH JULY, WHICH IS JUST LAST FRIDAY! happy birthday to tanny. happy birthday to tanny. happy birthday to the girl who's not as tanny now.. happy birthday to you! :D we ate at nooch for her birthday dinner. got her most-wanted-pedder-red-shoes-for-months for her, finally. which reminds me. pedder red is on sale!! i have to go back there. but anw, back to her birthday. we went for baybeats afterwards. didn't catch much 'cos it was pretty late by then. so we end up taking pictures! i'll post some here. love those girls. :)

oh yes! as you have noticed from the pictures, i'd cut my hair! alright. it is, i must say, quite a drastic change. but i like it :) i don't feel like i'm just any ordinary school girl with a short pony-tail anymore. instead, im a.. CHINA DOLL LOOKALIKE NOW! :D ok. it doesn't sound that appealing, but! nonetheless, it is something different. and i liiiiiikkkeee.. :D alright. i should be getting down to my work. though, i'm so very tempted to continue reading Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince. goodness. the first chapter was already so captivating! (wad's new? it is the J.K Rowling!) alrighty. better go now.

ciao.

2005-07-09T11:54:00.000+08:00

exams are over and i have been busy ever since! so, sorry for the late update. many things happened since i last blogged. well firstly, last sunday was a really great great day. :) went to corduroy and finch for lunch! and my goodness. it's SO good. so let me begin my review..

its situated at 779 bukit timah road. just before the turn to sixth avenue. it's somewhat like a gourmet cafe, but it serves real solid food. the good thing is, it allows customers to buy their food back to cook. and when i say their food, i mean vacuumed plastic bags with steak that has already been marinated with delicious sauce and all that stuff they put that makes it extra yummy. ain't that convenient? :) so if you want to serve a impressive and delicious meal at home to your guest or something, you can just pop by there, grab a few steak and some fresh vegetables and bring it home, grill em a lil, and voala! a hearty, sumptuous and presentable meal :) i had a cold platter, tenderloin, goulash and 2 deserts. the cold platter was such an adventure. there were in total 9 different small appetizers that were just heavenly. i must comment on how fresh their food are. even the seafood. the scallop was too fresh and sweet to be true. the tenderloin was a bit disappointing though. but i think it's because they over-cooked it. but i'm gonna give 'em credit for the lovely sauteed mushroom, mash potato and fresh fresh fresh corn that go with the steak. it's super yummy. the goulash was good too! lotsa ingrediants inside. and lastly the 2 deserts. we had a chocolate banana and chocolate rum tart. i really don't know how to begin describing the excellent taste and texture of the chocolate. especially the chocolate rum tart, the chocolate was just perfect. it wasn't those that were too watery and just slides onto your plate when he take a bite. it had some viscosity holding it back. but when it is in your mouth, the rum was so strong and the chocolate was perfectly rich, it slides down your throat, and lubricates and warms your insides. the feeling is amazing. i'm officially in love with corduroy and finch. and i highly recommand all you people to check it out. 10 thumbs up! :) (click here to find out more!)

anyway, met up with sarah and the rest of the girls on tuesday after my last paper. (math. it was such a killer) we ate at Angus House. it has been a long time since i've gone there. the appetizers were still as good as ever :) we took pictures and all! but with sarah's camera, so ive got none to upload. i'm really glad we could all gather and just talk. it's been a while since all of us had sit down and had a good chat. :)

school started, my parents came back.. and so life goes on. how dreadful.. i just finished filming this commercial for temasek seminar. glad it's over and done with. gonna go out and meet my girls later! yes again.. but i really can't wait. :) love 'em all so much. so anw, shall update another time. so..

ciao.

2005-07-01T12:44:00.000+08:00

i'm done with this week's exam papers! wohoo! i just had my physics paper. and goodness. so far i would say its the hardest paper. n the only hard one. the mcq was so tough! and the worst part is, each mcq is worth TWO marks. yes. how sucky. but oh wells, what's done's done. i'm just glad im almost done with my mid-years. just math left on tuesday!

sarah's coming back today! gonna go out with the girls later. :) its been more than a week since we've met i think. yeah.. miss 'em lots. n i'm glad im finally going out for a change. i've been tied down at home for way too long.. i need some retail therapy quick. karina! baylene's on sale in wisma! shop shop :) oh! i think i'm beginning to like channel u more and more. :P don't call me aunty! it's just that the variety programmes are just so hilarious. :D

alright i think i'm just gonna chill now till sab comes over. gonna head to town together to meet the rest later. yawns.. i need to sleep..

ciao.

2005-06-29T23:08:00.000+08:00

i thought it couldn't hurt anymore. i can't figure it out. but its just there. i try really hard to avoid it. i try to focus on my loved ones. how they make me smile, and laugh. but the thing is, i never know when it's coming. its so sudden, and overwhelming. the realisation hits me so hard-- it'll never go away. i can't describe it, i can't put it in words. but its just there. somewhere inside me. i know not if its hate, angst or plain sadness. i know nothing about it. and when i try to figure it out, the more complicated it gets. its a sharp pain maybe. like a needle. but yet, its not so simple. 'cos a needle won't hurt that much. i should be used to it, after all it's been in me for four years? no, five i think.. but i guess it's just one of those things you can't get rid off easily. like tar maybe? thick and dark, it stains. there's nothing much i can do about it. i'll let it hurt me when it comes. after all, it's only for a short while. i wouldn't hurt that bad. would i?.......

2005-06-26T18:33:00.000+08:00

ALRIGHT! IM FINALLY UPDATING!
i'm really sorry for not updating my long awaited Hong Kong Escapade. :D and i have to explain myself, please. for those who doesn't know, i have my dreadful and hated mid-year examinations tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and the day after tomorrow's tomorrow and the day after tomorrow's tomorrow's tomorrow and.. ok you get the idea. so i have been studying really hard! (well sort of :P) so i had no time to blog. :D (ok lame excuse. but its really mostly because of that!) so anyhoo. let me begin my stories of my Hong Kong Escapade.. (says it in a way like the Arabian Night song's beginning. you know.. Aladdin?)

(since i can't really remember what exactly happened. don't mind me skipping some of the days. i'll just zoom into those happy times that i remember alright? alright.)

SO! i landed on the magic island of Hong Kong on the 11th of June.. okay. nothing much happened that day. ate with my grandma. anti-climax i know. but i landed at night! so there wasn't much to do anyway.

SO! the day after i had landed.. my parents went to play golf and so i met up with dearest sarah! i was really excited to see her. :) she came to my hotel room and then we headed off to shop together! we were mostly shopping around Tsim Sha Zui. we wanted to go Harbour City, and i thought it was at Jordan (but obviously i was wrong but we didn't know that yet) so we took the MTR to Jordan and asked for directions. and the people just directed us back to Tsim Sha Zui. haha! :P so we just shopped at Park Lane. both of us bought these street shirts, and goodness gracious. it costs 70 bucks for one! its really quite plain but i guess its so expensive 'cos they are real art works from somebody. shrugs. after that, we found this pretty cool shop and we stayed there for god-knows-how-long, and we spent like HK$1300 plus i think. man.. and 'cos we spent so much there, they gave us this free necklace with 2 plastic rings on it. (its pretty ugly if u must know) so anw, we took one ring each and kept it as a memento. :) anw, some where inbetween our shopping, we settled down in a "cha chan tang" (coffee shop) and talked for hours and hours. it was great catching up with her. :)

then night came and i had to have dinner with my family friend, uncle kenneth and his family. his daughter just had a baby girl! shall put some pictures up!

so the next day i had lunch with sarah and her relatives at this pretty chic restaurant where the cooks are students who are learning from some great chef. not bad i must say. then i rushed down to Times Square over at hong kong side to meet leo! didn't get to talk to him much 'cos we had arranged to watch Mr and Mrs Smith together, so 'cos i was a lil late, we rushed for the movie right after we met. angelina jolie's so darn hot. so anyway, after the movie, i had to rush for dinner at my father's friend's place. that guy is filthy rich and he has 5 daughters. shall not elaborate.

mmm.. i can't really remember what really happened after that. but i know there was one day when i met up with leo at 11.30 in the morning! really early i must say. we ate and shopped and caught House of Wax 'cos it was raining cats and dogs and there was nothing else to do. he brought me to this place where they sell octopus balls noodles. not bad not bad. the octopus balls feel as though they are made of spandex. seriously bouncy. we went to eat at this place that sells this milk desert. i can't remember the exact cantonese name for it. but it's like tau huay but made of milk. i really liked it! if only there's one in Singapore. we had lotsa fun :) talked alot and got to know each other better. so yeah. thanks for bringing me around leo!! hopes he reads this. so anyway night fell, and i was going to meet sarah. and 'cos it was raining so heavily, i had to wait for her at this place for her to pick me up in a taxi. so leo was waiting for his mother and brother, and i was telling him to go meet them somewhere else. but he just had to ask them to meet at the same place as i was. and yes, i met his mother and brother. how wierd i felt!! and leo did NOT help either. tsk. his mother thought his "singapore friend" was a guy. that stupid boy didn't tell her i was a girl. sheesh. so anyway, went to sarah's grandma's place for a while, then we headed down to shop shop shop! had a super good buy. bought these pair of campus shoes for almost half the price!! seriously, it was such a good buy. :D after running around in the streets like clowns with umbrellas (sarah in her big polka dotted rain-boots) we went back to my hotel in kowloon and sarah stayed over! we talked for like hours and hours and hours. we only slept at 6 in the morning! :) im really glad we spent those quality times together. :) anyway, pictures!

alright. those are some really retarded pictures of us. but anyhoo. that's more or less wad happened in Hong Kong. there were a few other times when i shopped with my mum and aunts. but i can't really remember what really happened. oh! i played mahjong with my mum n aunts though! and guess what?! i won! damn surprised. my mum was surprised too. but i won a little only. my mum was the big winner. what's new. so yupp! woah.. it has been a super long entry. better stop now. alright! gotta go! will update soon about my exams.. sigh.. how dreadful. alrighty.

ciao.

2005-06-11T10:51:00.000+08:00

i know this is a bit sudden, but i'm going to Hong Kong in a few hours time! i realised i've been saying that i'm going to Hong Kong but i've never stated when. well today! today! i wanted to blog last night, but i only came home from a hearty meal at chomp chomp with my girls at around 11 plus. and then i was online, telling everyone that i'm going to Hong Kong and then i had to rush my packing and all. so yeah.. no time to blog. :P oh oh! i saw tricia yesterday! she came back on thursday from her trip to thailand to represent Singapore for badminton. glad i saw that girl :) so anyhoo. gotta go do my last round of checking to see if i brought everything along with me. and as for the rest of you, take care you people!

will be back for stories from my Hong Kong Escapade! grins.

ciao.

2005-06-09T23:12:00.000+08:00

i really should be studying now. but i can't help it but to blog about today! well, serene and i went to Tanglin Club to study! it was my first time using my membership card man. and let me tell you all the good points about it. :D

firstly, we had lunch, and i didn't have to pay for it, and it was good food! i had seafood bee hoon, while serr had tomato seafood pasta, and we shared a waffle with ice-cream which was yummylicious! secondly, studying at the pool-side at the club is damn condusive. it was so quiet and breezy and we could order food anytime when we feel hungy! serr ordered a chocolate milkshake, and we shared a small cheese and tomato pizza. :P (yes. we're pigs) lastly, the changing room is my favourite. its really nicely faciliated and furnished! if the weather was too hot, we could have a dip in the pool, go enjoy the sauna in the changing room and take a nice hot shower! man.. and don't forget, i don't have to fork out a single cent! :D but i'm sure if i abuse that privilege, i'll get it from my dad. but oh wells! until that day, i'm definitely gonna frequent there. :D Tanglin Club's the best place to study! yeah!

alright! i really should get back to studying! my conscience is eating me up inside! (stop it conscience, you're so damn irritating) alright alright. till the next entry, ciao!

2005-06-07T15:07:00.000+08:00

coughs! i have been coughing non-stop. and its not those karina-look-like-she's-dying kinda cough? (hee.. :D) its those small coughs. somewhat like hiccups. and it's really bothersome. bah. and it all started because the think-i-can-eat-chilli me, chewed on a whole piece of spicy popiah from lao pa sat last night. tsk. stupid me really.. and it was SO spicy, i thought i could breathe fire out. and on top of that, i drank coke with ice thinking it'll help, but noooooooooooo.. i was tearing like mad by that time. tsk. but all in all, the whole meal at lao pa sat was really great. :) well doing anything with her is great. :) we had ban mian, peanut congee and popiah. and by the end of the meal, i was SO bloated again. i felt so uncomfortable the whole night. i felt i was carrying a baby in my stomach. and worse still, i couldn't shit at all. i am suffering from constipation, again. seriously, my body's always having problems. why?! WHY?! i don't know why.. but it's hell of a burden. argh.

anyway, i was doing some thinking, and i realised that sometimes i'm seriously retarded. i behave like some mad woman. (well, i'm comparable to sabrina the queen of madness. :P) but yeah! seriously, my sense of humour is just weird. and i laugh at myself sometimes. it scares me.. haha! what i just typed scares me a lil already. but oh wells. i guess i'm just really retarded, sometimes. yes, sometimes. i shall not admit i'm retarded all the time! (to all those we thinks i am, all the time) alright. enough evaluation on myself. or else i'd come to realise how much more retarded i am.

gotta go do my work before those girls come to my place to play mahjong. oooohh.. mahjong.. (feels an itch in my hands) ciao!

2005-06-05T18:07:00.000+08:00

i just woke up from a nap. i was really tired. i was doing valen's present till 2 plus last night, and i woke up at 5 plus to touch up and headed down to the airport. saw that sunshine girl for the last time. well i know it's not exactly the last time 'cos we can always visit each other, but it was definitely the last time for this year.

she looked so funny! 'cos she was wearing long pants and those black bowling shoes which is seriously too masculine looking for her. haha! but then, she still looks as cheerful and bubbly as ever. dinah and grace over-slept. but grace was really waaayyy over-time. i only managed to wake her up at 8, and she sounded so flustered on the phone. she rushed down in half an hour, and managed to see our dear sunshine girl for the last 15 minutes before she entered the immigration area. grace came running in into the terminal, and she was on the brink of tears. she threw herself to our sunshine girl, and told her she was so scared that she couldn't see her off. at that moment, i can't help but feel that pang of sadness in my heart. i didn't dare to look at them for another second, 'cos i know i would start crying myself. we walked to the gates together, took some pictures, and it was time for her to go in. she hugged us one by one, and i tried my best to stay smiley and i'm glad i managed to do so. i hugged her for the longest time, that lovely ball of fun. then, she was gone.

dear valen, i hope you will be happy there. 'cos knowing that you're enjoying yourself there, would make your absence here more bearable. i wish you all the best in everything you do. bon voyage..
love, mich..

2005-06-03T11:52:00.000+08:00

goodness gracious me. look at my tummy! (rhymes. grins.)

but seriously, my tummy's gonna grow into a soccer ball really soon. i just ate prata with brendan and jj this morning. we ended our lecture one hour earlier! sheesh. why couldn't the teachers just tell us our lecture's only an hour? then i wouldn't even have gone to school. but then, i had fun with those two boys. :) stupid brendan made us take the wrong bus and we had to walk to another bus stop to get to the prata house at thomson. but anyhoo. those two boys ate five pratas! although i have to agree it's damn tiny, they are seriously pigs! i couldn't even finish my 4th piece! actually, i could have, if that "tut tut tut" (think russell peters :P) didn't take so long to serve us our last order. oh wells.. at least i enjoyed myself with those two clowns. :P jj's stupid mimicks of russell peters and brendan's.. hmmm.. usual irritating self. :P

alrighty! i should get dress and ready to meet valencia! that girl's leaving on sunday.. :( how sucky.. i'll really miss her. sigh.. alright. till the next entry, ciao!

2005-06-01T23:08:00.000+08:00

finally waxed my legs today! :) goodness. the place karina goes to wax is seriously expensive for full leg! i was shocked when the lady told me it costs 70 bucks. but oh wells! luckily i managed to sneak away! and so i went back to charme. the lady remembered me! she's called Jenny. she's so funny. she said she likes waxing. haha! she's really cute. 'cos she has really nice complexion and all? and she's really bubbly and quite cute looking, and to add on top of that, she has a really round and nice belly. haha. so cute. but anw! i think i'll frequent there to wax. mmm!

i really like the left foot sneakers. it's high cut at the inner side of the shoe and low cut at the outter side. adidas. somewhat like my brown shoes. but it's really nice! feel like buying a new pair of sneakers. but i think i should just wait until i get to hong kong and see the stuff there. i'm trying to hold back my shopping desires for the hong kong escapade man! i just got the list of shops Vivian (the owner of 2cm) suggested to me in hong kong. two in tsim sha zui and one in mongkok. can't wait to go there! and and. i was talking to my parents (who are in hong kong now) and my mum was saying there are so many nice stuff in hong kong now. she said the clothes and shoes there are much nicer than singapore. goodness. can't wait! -rubs hands with glee..

sarah's in hong kong! that lil naughty girl. she didn't even call us. i'm angry with her. hmph. but anyhoo, gonna meet her in hong kong. the holidays don't seem so bad after all. but then, when i think about what comes after it, it just makes me sick. exams suck. biiiiggg time. but oh wells. its part and parcel of life. i really should be more disciplined and start mugging before i go to hong kong. yes.

alright. i should be signing off! didn't touch my books the whole of today, and it's time to. michelle's a good girl. :)

ciao!

2005-05-29T23:28:00.000+08:00

Friday

it was just horrendous. HORRENDOUS. the gp comprehenion paper was complete gibberish! ok. of course it wasn't. it made sense.. BUT NOT TO ME! bloody hell. thinking about it just makes my blood boil. i just hope i pass. don't even get me started on my essay. i don't think i did as well as i do in class. but oh well, cross my fingers, toes, limbs and arms, and hope for the best.

but anyhoo, went out with some of my classmates after the paper! went to eat chicken rice at far east. yum :) in the end, leo, donny, brendan and i went to watch madagscar! goodness. really entertaining it was! humourous. :D and the stupid song is darn catchy. "i like to move it move it." grins.

Saturday

nothing much happened. had nothing to do, so i baked muffins and boiled barley. :) anw! for those ppl who thinks my muffin sucks, it doesn't ok!! and it doesn't give u diarrhea. hmph. and i know someone loves it lots :) so anw! stayed at home the whole day after that. and rot.. bleh.

Today

met up with my good old friends :) really really really glad we could all get together before tricia leaves for thailand on tuesday. she's representing Singapore to play badminton! wish her all the best :) tho its not her first time. but still. hope she comes back with great news! we met in town and headed to my house after that. well, as usual, we tried to study. but of course, i didn't study at all. :P but i think tanessa and sabrina did a little. i really hope tanessa would do alright for her chinese O's tmr. considering she isn't really prepared for it. hope it will be an easy paper. tsk. she's really a naughty girl. so insensible.. hope she gets to read this! but yeah.. i'll cross my fingers, toes, limbs and arms for her!

alright.. i think i better get ready for bed. i have lectures the whole of next week when my holidays begin. sigh.. jc life sucks sometimes. gotta rest. swam 20 laps this morning again. mmm! so till the next entry. ciao.

2005-05-26T16:12:00.000+08:00

i really don't understand why my parents are like that. my mum just doubted whether i had school today. bah..

a crushed paper.
creases, tears..
wrapped inside
is my fragile heart.

2005-05-26T15:09:00.000+08:00

michael tan confuses me really. now i don't know if he likes me or not! :P ok. of course not in that way. (don't be silly! he's too old for me :P) but anw, i thought he favoured me at the beginning. until that time when he warned me that he'll suspend me if i get into trouble again. so i thot that was the end of being his favourtie. but then when i went to see him that day for leaving sports day halfway, i thot i would get into deep trouble, but to my surprise, he just gave me detention! and yesterday when i went for my tennis trials, he walked past the tennis court and he was encouraging me on. now.. isn't that confusing? stop blowing hot and cold towards me michael! :P ok i should stop it. im having the shivers myself. :P

so yeah. i only had to serve detention on tuesday for the sports day issue. seriously, i didn't think ms lim was that bitchy. but i guess she was just doing her job. and i don't really blame her for that. so yeah. at least it was just detention. went for tennis trials yesterday! they kinda accepted me. told me to train with 'em during the holidays. but i think i'll just go for one more session and i'll make my decision. and i kinda know what it will be actually. i will still stick with dance. not that i don't enjoy tennis. in fact, i think tennis will be better when it comes to school representation and all, but my passion still lies in dancing. and i feel happier there. :) but i'll still give tennis a try. so we'll see!

tomorrow's my gp mid-yr exam. hope i'll do as well as i do in class for my essays, and better for my comprehension. not really worried though. maybe because i still don't feel the importance of it. but oh wells.. i feel there are lotsa things in my mind now. but im shoving 'em in this drawer in my head, and not bothering to open it to sort it out. not that im avoiding it. but because im still sure of certain things in my life. i can't wait for the holidays.. and my hong kong escapade..

alright. shall go back to organising my work. ciao.

2005-05-21T15:47:00.000+08:00

i'm spoiled by ur love..

maybe i am really spoilt huh. i was just skinning an apple myself just now. and i skinned it really lousily. with bits n pieces of red skin on the apple still left there. and i realised i haven't skinned an apple for years. 'cos i always have my maid to do it for me. why is it people take things for granted so easily? why do we become so unaware of all the blessings around us, and only acknowledge the bad? i am so fortunate despite everything that's screwed up in my life. and i think the most fortunate thing that can ever happen to me, is to meet the one that i love so much and also, all my bestest best friends who have been there with me for so many years.

friends are leaving one by one. it started with sarah. and how i miss that girl. my parents keep telling me stuff. to make me feel that i should not look her up. but of course i don't listen to a word they say. i miss that girl. n no matter what parents may say, i will always look her up. we've so many memories together, vacation trips spent together. she'll always be a part of my life. and now, valencia's leaving. that bubbly ball of fun. after meeting her, grace and dinah in st nicks yesterday, i really felt a pang in my heart. st nicks without them wld have never been so much fun. they were the sunshine in my life in 4D. i love them so much. and now with valencia leaving, i miss everything ten times more. if only life in st nicks never ends.. then i'll be a happy happy girl.

i really wish my good friends will never leave. phsyically or emotionally. some has left already. silently they disappeared. if not, they are slowly fading into the shadows.. everyone searching for her meaning in life. we separate.. i would tell you not to go. but if i do, i'll be selfish. and i want to be a good friend to all of you. so i will support you no matter what. but i want all of you to know that i miss all of u so dearly in my heart.

and to end this entry, i want to say a big thank you to all those good friends of mine, who have stood by me no matter what. thank you. and i love you all, very much.

2005-05-19T01:36:00.000+08:00

i finished my PI! i finished my PI! wohoo! ok, i took one an a half hour to do it. but still! i finished my PI! i finished my PI! :P you've no idea how relieve i feel now. oh wait, i have two tests tomorrow. oh damn it. good feeling's gone.

i was trying to study just now, after dinner. but my mother, (god knows what song she was singing) was singing like a WHALE. like dory in finding nemo? goodness. all i hear was woooo waaahhh, iiii woooaaahhh weeeee waaahhh, loooovvvee, waaahh yooouuuu.. man, and she was just telling me in the car this afternoon that everyone in the community club loves her singing and that they think her voice is sexy. CHOKES. it really makes wonder if they're all so old, they might be deaf. either that, or my mum's delusional. so it is not my fault i couldn't concentrate fully when i was studying just now. stupid wailing whale. :P but then again, she made me laugh.

alright! i should be going to sleep already. look at the time! goodness gracious me.
ciao!!

2005-05-17T19:51:00.000+08:00

ok. im officially in love with my ipod mini. i just can't take my eyes off of it :D the blue's so beautiful! but you know, i think my whole body's too matching already? listen to this, my school uniform is blue, my shoes are blue and white, i bought a new watch and it is blue and brown, my wallet's blue, brown and white, and now my ipod mini's blue too! goodness. everything's tooooo matching. luckily my school bag's green, or i think i'd look super weird. but that aside, i'm really in love with my ipod. and don't worry jiaying, i won't isolate myself 'cos of it. (sheesh.. haha)

so today was another long day in school. have i mentioned how much i hate that witchy (bitchy) toh. she's my chemistry teacher by the way. and a very very super unreasonable and sucky one too. she has ultra long black hair that touches her flat ass, with this act-cute braid at the side. she wears long flowery skirts that are up to her waist, tucked in shirts and this oversized and shoulder-padded jacket. on top of that hedious combination, she wears these 1980's mammoth spectacles, and behind those specs are her horrible made up eyes. (dark blue slashes of eye-shawdow on her hmmm.. are there even eyelids?) her make up sucks big time.

so yesterday we were having chemistry practical. and we had to heat this white powder in the boiling tube to give off all the carbon dioxide. and so i was heating it when i realised almost all of my white powder has vanished and the rest was turning into liquid! so i stopped heating and put it on the wire gauze to let it cool. "click click click" man. it sounded like a timed bomb when i saw the bottom of the boiling tube crack like thin ice. so i ran forward with it and asked that witchy toh if it was suppose to be like this. then that bitch said, "how come your boiling tube is cracking? it is a boiling tube, it is suppose to withstand the heat, it is not suppose to crack! (come on bitch. it is cracking right before your eyes. what nonsense are you talking about) what have you added to the boiling tube?!" (like hell i added anything.) so there, i got lectured for nothing. and you know, she held us back after the practical 'cos 5 wire gauzes were thrown into the waste-bin and she accused our class of committing that "crime" and said she wouldn't let us off if no one admits. so after eating up 15 minutes of our break time, she finally let us off. then later during her tutorial, she came in and apologised. she found out that it wasn't our class who threw the wire gauze. like what the hell. what an idiot. how i hate her, seriously..

but anyway, today was good. although i forgot to bring my pe attire and had to borrow jj's one. and it was so big, i could swim inside. :P so yupp! nothing much happened today. just another looonnggg day. i can't wait to this friday when we're gonna have our sports day at SMU. (i'm still considering if i should just skip school that day. hmmm..) and next monday is a public holiday! wohoo! another long wkend. i see mahjong tiles.. :D

till the next entry, ciao!

2005-05-16T03:05:00.000+08:00

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being "in love" has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. You and I have it. We have roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

2005-05-16T02:57:00.000+08:00

i bought an ipod mini today. blue in colour, first generation. from best denki, for $269. the gold ipod mini and i are just not fated. and the price for this ipod mini is just too attractive. it is definitely worth the money.

maybe i should sound a little more convincing, that i am really happy i got the ipod mini. but look at the time. you should understand my lethargy. or maybe because school time is creeping in, and oh how i dread it. i have a test later in the morning. chemistry. hope i'd do well, since i studied for it. or maybe, i'm affected emotionally. i can't really put words to it. but i feel funny. yet numb. bah.. i think its the late hour that's taking over my brain. im speaking incoherently. i should end this entry before i further confuse myself.

ciao.

2005-05-13T20:33:00.000+08:00

i love dancing. did i mention this before? i feel so happy.. so alive. even though there's so much more room for improvement, 'cos i know i'm not a super good dancer. i feel so.. exuberant when i dance. every step, every snap of my finger, every turn, every drop of sweat.. i love the feeling.. having my body to do wonders. to move like how i want it to.. it's just amazing. but up till now, i still can't express myself like this in public. (other than to u darling..) but i need to overcome this. to be confident of myself. to show others how happy i am when my feet taps busily on the dance floor. but why am i still holding back? if only i can show myself.. then maybe my "loved ones" would understand me better too.

i'm really glad i have my own space, my own little room. i like the fact that i can lock my door (although my mum has the keys and opens the door regularly, but at least it buys time for her to unlock it) and lock them out of my life. the materialistic ways. the age-gap. i'm really so different from my family. but then again, all 3 children of my parents are so different. but we all have a common factor, selfishness. i don't know about my brothers. but i become selfish when it comes to revealing myself to them. i would not share anything. i would not let them know me. i may appear strong, but they have no idea how they hurt me so much inside. how they make me hate them. but can i let them know? i have responsibilities. to be the successor of my father's company. to be the "perfect" child. to be their last hope. to be the only person that keeps my family together. even if my heart yells for them to love me like how i wish they would, i would not let them know. how i wish i can abandon all these. how i wish my parents are understanding n non-violent parents. parents who have loved me the right way since i was young. now, everything's just too late. i've build my wall around me, and no way can they break it down. but then again, there are soft spots -- my brother. if only he remained like how he used to be when he was younger. i miss the youthful him. when he used to kick me off the bed playfully. but that's all in the past.

if only the world can see me dancing..
then would they understand..
the fire in me.

2005-05-12T21:10:00.000+08:00

i feel really tired today.. i feel really tired now.. my eyes are like failing me, begging me to close 'em. i'm having a tummy ache too. making me feel i'm sitting on a hot pan all night long. this is bad.. i just got home and i have tons of work to do, (not forgetting my PI) and i haven't started yet. and worst still, there's my all-time favourite and could never miss a single episode, OC.

i feel jaded..

2005-05-10T18:14:00.000+08:00

TODAY'S A GREAT DAY!

ok. mainly because i completed my 2.4 in 14.07 minutes!! ok. it might not be such a big deal to you. but it is to me! goodness. at least it's an A! and i'm so happy i got it over and done with. :))) i wanna thank a those who paced me! thanks janice for pacing me the last few rounds! thanks to shing, michelle and daner too! i can't really remember who else ran with me. but thanks to those whom i didn't mention too! (so sorry.. :P) and yes, thank you brendan. thanks for running the last round with me. if you hadn't push me, i don't think i would've made it. so thanks! i promise i'll support you on friday ;) anw, i wanna say congrats to rachel! who finished her 2.4 too. :) great run! and not forgetting.. congrats jj!! he clocked 8.09 minutes! gosh. like a bullet i tell you. 8.09 and i'm still at my 4th round. haha! :D so proud of him. :)

so yes! today was good good good. :) we didn't even have chinese! one and a half hour free. :D lucky eh? oh, but i got back my DRQ paper for econs. 8 out of 20. :P tt's definitely not an achievement. but oh wells! i'll try harder the next time :) happy happy happy. so happy today! grins. and i think sab's getting closer to her classmates! i think.. hope she is. she sounded happy on the phone! so happy happy! everyone's happy! :)))

lalala! alrighty.. i shall go back to playing literati with my beloved! :) till the next entry, adios!